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10 New Years Dating Resolutions for White Guys (and Gals ;)!

10 New Years Dating Resolutions for White Guys

As we enter into a fresh new year, 2017, there’s some things that I think ALL single daters can do better in 2017 (the “White Guys” was obviously just a joke made in reference to the recent ridiculous MTV video 🙂 As a Dating & Relationship Coach and Matchmaker who’s on the ground floor working with single guys and women every day, and experiencing the “Dating Apocalypse” first hand personally, I am privy to the biggest issues that have come about as a result of this – caused especially by dating apps like Tinder and Bumble.

So here you go, 10 New Year’s Relationship Resolutions for ALL Guys & Gals

#1: Guys, just make the first move and ask a woman out! 

It’s not that hard. Dating right now in the “Dating Apocalypse” is already complicated and confusing enough. So let’s just make things really easy, less confusing, and less complicated. The dating app “Bumble” really threw a wrench into things by switching up traditional roles and making the female in charge of messaging the guys first.

But then it created this weird landscape where guys are expecting the woman to not only message them first, but apparently ask them out and plan a date also.

online dating tipsAnd this dynamic has even spread to all the other dating apps outside of Bumble, causing women to feel like they are the ones that have to pursue the guy, or else nothing happens. I’ve seen a dramatic change in guys’ behavior on these apps – the most notable being that many guys have gotten downright lazy and don’t put any effort into meeting offline.

I’m sorry if this sounds old-school, but I believe that some things are just better left to traditional practices and roles, and this is one of them. If guys just continue to assume that traditional role of asking the girl out on the date, and planning the first date – even if you met on Bumble – then everything will just move along much faster and easier!

You will actually GO on more dates and meet more people “in the flesh”… And Isn’t that what everyone wants?

Plus, is it really that much of a burden and that much effort to say “hey, let’s meet in person over a drink, what’s your schedule like this week?” and plan a freakin’ cocktail date?!

#2: Ladies, if a guy DOES asks you out, stop pulling a Houdini and going MIA after.

I hear the complaint constantly from my male clients and other men that they’ll be talking to a girl, ask her out, and then – poof! She disappears. And then the poor guys are obsessing over what the hell they could have possibly said to offend them or turn them off so much with one message.

Ladies, let’s help the guys out a little to make them more motivated to court YOU, notice their efforts when they do put them out, and have the courtesy to at least tell them no thank you if you don’t want to go out with someone. But then again, why did you swipe right on him if you weren’t interested in him enough to go out with him??

And this goes for guys too – let’s stop the swiping and disappearing act altogether if we want actual relationships to be created in 2017.

#3: Guys, can we please stop with the Sales Pitch of The Penis?

tinderPlease don’t whip out your penis on a first date, try to put her hand on your penis (does this really make girls swoon?), or send her a penis pic, or anything having to do with your penis for that matter, before or on the first date (at least).

I’ve talked to many, many women, and I still have yet to find one woman who this “works” for. This was probably a made up move by a guy. It’s not sexy, not engaging, and I think I can speak for most ladies that we’d like to see this “move” go in 2017.

#4: Let’s all not take 2 hours to text someone back, so that we can play “hard to get” and pretend like we’re too busy doing other exciting things to text back right away.

We all KNOW that everyone is by their phone, 24/7; we’re addicted to it, and studies have even shown that 95% of text messages are read within 3 minutes… So, the jig is up!

Can we all just respond to a text like normal people now without this annoying intentional waiting time to pretend like we’re more interesting than we really are? And then, not judge a person as “not having a life” if they do respond within a reasonable time?

#5: I’m sure I’ll get hated on for this, but this is a rant for the militant Feminists and Social Justice warriors who take every little thing way out of context, twist it into something dark and cry that it is offensive, “rapey,” sexist, or promoting non-consensuality.

Like the infamous Baby it’s cold Outside song that recently got ripped to pieces, or the public verbal lynching of comedian Steve Martin after he gave a sincere compliment to Carrie Fisher on Twitter, saying that she was beautiful, bright, and witty.

Baby it’s Cold Outside was a playful romantic duet written by a husband to his wife in 1944 for Pete’s sake. He’s a man who knows the lady he likes has to leave, and is doing his damnedest to get her to stay for just a few minutes more. (In 1944, it was not appropriate for an unmarried lady to stay the night at her man’s house) And if you listen to the original song, it is pretty clear that they BOTH are playfully and coyly dragging out the end of the night as long as they can. And I think most of us can agree that the “consensual remake” of the song released in December is soo un-romantic.).

What you’re doing is systematically murdering every last ounce of romance and natural desire toward women from men. And unjustly assuming that all men are vicious predators, plotting and scheming to trick and rape an unsuspecting girl. (And, let’s call a spade a spade – if you’re going to attack this innocent song from 1944, then what about pretty much every other song on the radio today that talks about “Bitches” and “Hoes” and other overt female degradation, like “You’s a Hoe” or “Blow my Whistle Baby?!”).

And then, these same women are complaining that guys aren’t romantic anymore, that “chivalry is dead” and are sad that guys don’t seem to show interest and pursue them enough anymore.

Some songs legitimately are “rapey,” and some comments made are legitimately demeaning, and feel free to make a case about those. But please don’t rip apart songs and people’s comments that were genuinely good-intentioned, because we are at the brink of silencing men so much that we can soon kiss any last shred of “romance” and genuine expressions of attraction and interest goodbye.

I don’t know about you, but I still like the art of romance and the little dance of seduction. And yes, as long as it’s “consensual.”

#6: Can we not lie about our weight or our heights anymore?

Women calling themselves “voluptuous” or “curvy” online but who are really massively overweight, or guys saying their 6’” when they’re really 5’6” , like really?! Once we see you, the jig is up, do you think we’re going to somehow hallucinate you as being massively thinner or taller? So, let’s just keep it honest.

#7: Guys who play “hard to get,” follow the “3-day” contact rule and intentionally hold back interest to try to get women to “chase” you.

I hate to break it to you, but most of the PUA (Pick-up Artistry) gurus are feeding you inaccurate information – Most self-respecting women don’t eagerly “chase” after guys who are showing them no interest.

A little mystery can be good and you don’t want to smother a woman, but trying to act apathetic toward a girl, hold back any compliments or indications that you like her, and deliberately acting like you don’t care is pretty lame and probably only going to lead to a stalemate, as most women’s guards will go up and they will feel the need to act elusive too.

Authenticity breeds more authenticity, and game-playing breed more game-playing.

#8: Women who complain of men “mansplaining” and “manspreading”

Again, I ask you, what is it that you’re trying to accomplish here? This to me is yet another weapon used to verbally castrate men of their innately masculine qualities and behaviors into submissive, asexual beings.

It is a masculine trait to want to contribute to people, and feel like their opinions and knowledge are valuable.

It makes them feel good, and with women now as powerful and self-sufficient as they are, touting that they “don’t need a man,” when a man gives you advice it’s usually coming from a benevolent place of them simply wanting some validation, or even hoping to impress you if they like you. Wow, is that so terrible for them to feel good and useful for a moment?

Most of the time they are not intentionally trying to condescend a woman, nor are they even aware of doing so. To add to that, most women innately want a man who displays intelligence, protectiveness, and who is helpful to us. …All things that men innately like doing.

why-women-reject-perfect-menSo why then are you trying to punish them for doing these things? And yes there is a line between “explaining” things in a helpful way, and intentionally condescending someone, but when you turn “mansplaining” into such a “thing” and it is a focus, it becomes dangerously subjective and the tendency will be for it to be misconstrued, favoring the female. (The fact that my spell-checker corrected these words because they are now in the dictionary should tell you something, Lol).

And again, these same women complain that they “can’t find a masculine man anymore” and that “men have become so feminine and wussy these days.” Well, I wonder why!

When you punish men for doing anything innately masculine, and they become so fearful of offending people, they stop acting like a man.

Imagine if men created a word for women crossing our legs in a feminine way, or made it an offense if our voices were too high because it annoyed them. Please consider the consequences to these damaging catchphrases and trendy SJW “movements.”

I for one do not wish to live in a world of neuter gender people, where men act exactly like women and women act exactly like men, and where our differences are no longer celebrated or desirable. It’s called Yin & Yang, not Yin & Yin, for a reason.

#9: If you say you want a committed relationship or marriage, check your actions and make sure they’re consistent with that.

Let’s stop this whole “catch and release” business. Today I see a vast majority of singles (especially women) who SAY they really want a marriage or committed relationship, but they’re actions totally contradict that.

Many women barely respond to texts or guys asking them out, keeping themselves so busy with their work that its like nailing jello to a tree for a guy to get her to “pencil him in” her busy schedule. And then there’s the common complaint I hear from guys: When a nice guy does come along and treat a girl well, and expresses his interest, she suddenly isn’t interested or makes up excuses as to why she can’t date anyone right now.

How about don’t put yourself on a dating site, go to a singles event, or say you want a relationship, if you’re not going to make any time for dating.

#10: Guys putting in zero effort, taking a girl on a coffee date or cocktail date, but then expecting sex as soon as possible.

Guys, let’s put a little more effort into pursuing a woman if you like her, and understand that sex comes when a woman feels comfortable and connected to you – not through pressuring her. It seems to be the common trend now that guys want to see how little effort they can put towards courting a woman (if you could call it “courting”), how little money they can spend, and how quickly they can get her into bed. And women may be enabling this as well if they’re letting it happen.

BONUS! Let’s all put a stop to Swiping while you’re on a date!

Do you know that according to a new study, at least 3 out of 5 people admit to swiping on online dating apps WHILE they’re on a date? Like when their date goes to the bathroom or steps out for a moment. This is a whole new level to the definition of “sleazy.” Can we all give the person we’re on a date with the respect they deserve and give them our full attention for just one or two hours of your life? C’mon people, can we at least pretend to be civilized? 🙂

bad-date

DeAnna Lorraine is an LA dating coach and relationship expert for men and women

 

 

 

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What Guys REALLY Mean when they Say they “Don’t Want to Commit” to you

I’m sure you’ve wondered how men really come to the decision that you’re ‘The One’… or that they want to commit to you…

And I’m sure you’ve wondered why the hell a guy will tell you he’s “Not ready for a commitment right now,” and what that really means.

dating coach deanna lorraineYou’ve probably also wondered WHY guys commit to some women, but not others.  

Well, unlike what most women think, its usually NOT because they CAN’T commit at all…. Or that they’re circumstances, like their work or their schedule, won’t allow them to commit to you…

What guys actually mean when they say this is… They are able to commit, but they don’t just don’t want to Commit to YOU.

Eek. Sorry to be the bearer of the brutally honest truth, but its true…

For a number of both emotional and logical reasons, they are:

  • a) Not FEELING strongly attracted enough, and
  • b) Have determined that you are not “High Value” enough and don’t perceive you as “Long-Term Relationship/Wife Material.”

So, they may continue to string you along though, especially if they’re getting any other kind “benefits” from you – like sex, or money, or getting their ego stroked by your attention.

But, understand that they are most likely looking around on the side for someone they think is better, and will never actually commit to you. They will probably just continue to string you along and break your heart.

Don’t try to give them excuses like “Oh, he’s just really really busy with his work right now, and that’s why he can’t commit to me right now.”

dating coach deanna lorraineNope! I’m sorry to say this, but no matter how busy a man is, he will still happily commit to a woman and make time for her if he’s really into her and “feeling” it. So don’t buy that as an excuse if you hear that.

If a guy tells you that they “don’t want a commitment” or aren’t ready for one, believe them! Don’t make the mistake that so many women do of hanging in their thinking you can “change their mind,” or change them from a player to a committed man.

Don’t make the mistake of trying to “win him over” by doing lots of nice things for him, giving him sex whenever he wants it, seeing him at his convenience even if he’s not having proper dates with you. (God forbid) loaning him money, or doing other nice things thinking that if he just continues to see how amazing, sweet, and giving you are, or if he just sees how great you are in bed, that he’ll eventually change his mind and commit to you.

This rarely, if ever, will happen.

Also, another rule of thumb about men is that if a guy feels really strongly about a girl, HE will be the first one to bring up the “DTR” (“Define The Relationship”) Talk!

He will come to YOU and ask you about a commitment – You, as the woman, shouldn’t be the one trying to bring up the commitment talks to him. If you’ve been going after him for a commitment, that’s a red flag in itself.

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When a guy really is into a girl, he does NOT want to share her with any other guy; He will want to see her as much as possible and want her all to himself!

Typically, a guy will NOT commit to a girl and will put them in the “Temporary girl” category, if they:

  • Don’t feel a deeper emotional connection with you and if the connection is just physical/sexual
  • If they don’t find you attractive and presentable enough to be proud of you, and to show you off publicly. (This is why many women who are overweight may often fall into this trap of being the “Temporary girl” who guys may sleep with and string along, but don’t want to commit to.)
  • Perceive you as having “Low Value.” Women telegraph either “High Value” or “Low Value” to men pretty quickly, through various signals, like how they communicate and the things they say and talk about, how they carry themselves, how they dress, how they take care of themselves, how they express their emotions, what kind of a life, family and friends they have. Women who communicate a lot of insecurities, self-doubts, fears, complaints, and other negative emotions, come across as “Low Value” to most men, and most men will be turned off by this and reticent to commit to these women.
  • If she is one-dimensional, and come across as dull or boring.

On the contrast, these are some of the primary factors that make most men WANT to commit to a girl, and desire her greatly:

  • If they have a strong physical, sexual, AND emotional connection with her.
  • If they are proud of the way she looks and carries herself, and proud to “show her off” publicly. She has a special “spark” about her, an “IT Factor” that draws people in.
  • If she comes across as having “High Value.” A woman projects “High Value” by the way she communicates and carries herself; She is engaging in the way she talks to him and his friends, she exudes confidence and self-love, femininity, and sex appeal.
  • She has a high level of “emotional fitness” – i.e., she handles her emotions well and for the most part is positive, happy, fun, centered, and easy-going.
  • She is multi-dimensional, and interesting.

dating coach deanna lorraineAcross the board, in all my interviews and coaching sessions with guys of all ages including my own dating experiences, these are the top factors that men state are the most attractive in women and that trigger intense passionate feelings and desire in them to commit to these women.

So, if a guy you’ve been seeing has been “on the fence” about you for a while and says he does not want to commit to you yet, then I advise you to either get out of that relationship, knowing that his perception has probably already been set, and try again with someone new.

Or, take your energy and efforts off of HIM and put those efforts into making certain changes in YOURSELF to develop or strengthen the qualities I listed above to make yourself more desirable, “High Value” and irresistibly commitment-worthy.

Then, see if things start turning around and he begins pursuing YOU!

**Want to discover the real reasons WHY men have not been committing to YOU, and what you can do about it to change your results with men? Do you want to know if men see you as “High Value,” marriage-material, or as a “Low-Value,” replaceable girl that they want to just string along? Find out now and learn what to do to break your pattern and start attracting amazing men who adore you and can’t wait to commit to you, by going through my proven 3-Step Dating Diagnostic & Love Makeover process today! Click below for full details & to begin.

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How Men Think DIFFERENTLY about Dates than Women!

You know what most women don’t realize? Well for one, that men and women are DIFFERENT! Yes, surprise surprise – guys are different than us.

dating coach deanna lorraineThey are not just “hairier” versions of us women. Believe me, I grew up around a house full of brothers and all their rowdy friends, and boy do they think differently and talk differently than us gals!

It was sure a blessing in disguise though that I essentially got to be a fly on the wall in the boys’ locker room all my life, which I owe a lot of my ability to understand guys very intimately and attract them well.

And, teach women how to do that. So getting into just one specific area of how guys are different than women, are how they think about dates.

Guys go into dates, think about dates differently, and what they are thinking ON the date is usually quite different than what women are thinking too!

You must understand these differences to help you see the man’s perspective so you can be more successful with connecting with them and getting them to pursue you.

  • #1. Guys are first thinking about SEX. Like it or hate it, they are first and foremost thinking, “Am I attracted to her? Do I want to have sex with her?” And beyond any thinking of thoughts even, they are FEELING something “down there,” or they’re not.

Sorry, but it’s the naked truth. No pun intended lol.

Boys will be boys. They are wired a certain way and have pieces of equipment, and it’s either going to go UP… or stay down and not respond.

They are firstly going with their “other” head, and following THAT head first. If they don’t’ even feel attracted to you (aka they want to have sex with you), then they won’t even bother seeing you again after a first date to see if anything else develops.

You must know that guys are attracted physically first, and you must make a guy feel sexually attracted to you, right from the first moment he sees you.

  • #2: Guys are not typically thinking long-term… Yet. They are not planning for the future, imagining walking hand-in-hand with you, or even thinking much about next weekend yet. Guys are much more in the here-and-now, present moment than women are.

Aside from a feeling of sexual attraction to you, they are either feeling GOOD in your presence, or not good or neutral. They are either having FUN with you, and feeling comfortable with you, and genuinely enjoying being with you and talking to you…. Or they are feeling bored or uncomfortable.

Has the date been “easy” with her, meaning easy to talk to, you are open and responsive, and engaging? Or has the date been difficult – difficult to get engaging conversations going, difficult for you to warm up to him, etc.

Most girls do not realize this, and they mistakenly believe that the guy will take the time to get to know her, and give her a few dates, and see if she has the potential and qualities to be long-term girlfriend material. But this isn’t true.

dating coach deanna lorraineIf they aren’t FEELING good in your presence – aka, you’re not generating positive emotions in him, then he isn’t going to stick around to see if you have other “positive qualities” or a “great heart” or not.

Even though you logically may have good qualities, men don’t decide to commit to a girl or pursue her based on “logical” reasons. They are just pulled to keep seeing her based on their feelings. Or, not, if neutral or negative feelings were created.

A lot of women are BORING on their dates. They either don’t talk much, expecting to just show up and have the man “entertain” them and impress them, or the stuff they talk about is boring to guys and they’re not engaging to they guy in their body language and energy.

So, a guy leaves the date thinking, “Eh, she was nice. But she just had no “spark” about her. No “WOW factor.” Or, “I’m just not feeling it.” This is what guys say all the time.

She may very well be a physically attractive woman, or even have really great qualities on paper and be super intelligent with a great career or very kind, but if a man isn’t feeling it then he’s just not going to feel any desire to call and see you again.

Remember that now, even more so than before, there is so much competition now, unfortunately for us women. Because of new advances like Tinder and online dating sites, guys have so many options now, and you can bet that any guy you are talking to, is probably also talking to two or three other girls at the moment too.

So a girl who he didn’t feel 1) sexually attracted to and 2) an emotional spark or positive, excited feelings with, is not even going to be on his radar.

Aka, you’re not going to be on his thoughts during the day. And why should he make the effort to set up another day with you, and spend his money, if he isn’t feeling it? He’s not – he’s going to try another option.

And you know if you are in this space with a guy if he isn’t texting you or calling you. Or, if he isn’t setting up a next date within a week or two the latest.

A Good Rule of Thumb

If a guy is feeling it with a girl and attracted to her, he will be contacting her within 3 days of the date, max! And he will want to see her again as soon as possible. If a guy waits more than a week to see you again, and this is a common theme and his reason for waiting doesn’t have to do with traveling or emergencies, then he’s either just not that into you – or he’s got another woman and you’re the side-girl.

Sorry, but you’ve gotta hear the truth!

PSS: A few other Things Guys do:

  • If guys are feeling bored on the date with you, or not feeling good enough about you to see potential with you, he may then try to just get you drunk and sleep with you that night. Because in a guy’s mind, he figures “Well if I’m not going to see her again anyways, I might as well at least get laid for the night.”
  • So if a guy seems like he’s trying really hard to move quickly and take you back to his place or your place that night, this is what’s going on most likely. It does NOT mean he likes you though – For guys, they don’t have to “like” a girl in order to sleep with them. AND, he probably isn’t planning on calling you afterward either. So don’t fall for it!

**Want to discover the real reasons WHY men have not been committing to YOU, and what you can do about it to change your results with men? Do you want to know if men see you as “High Value,” marriage-material, or as a “Low-Value,” replaceable girl that they want to just string along? Find out now and learn what to do to break your pattern and start attracting amazing men who adore you and can’t wait to commit to you, by going through my proven 3-Step Dating Diagnostic & Love Makeover process today! Click below for full details & to begin.

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DeAnna Featured in DatingAdvice.com as Leading Dating Coach!

I am so thridatingadvicelled and honored that my friends over at DatingAdvice.com, “The Authority on all Things Dating,” chose to interview me and feature me as one of the world’s leading Dating Coaches! What a great feature they wrote that goes in-depth into my unique methods of coaching and how I got into this work years ago. Check out the full article here, and feel free to share it with your friends! http://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/deanna-lorraine-holistic-coaching-for-life-and-love 

 

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