When you’re on a date with someone or it’s your first few times hanging out with someone or interacting with them, it can often be tough to determine just how interested in you they are, or if they’re even interested at all! But as a Dating Coach who is able to determine whether people are interested or not or get a second date with nearly 100% accuracy, I have come to understand these signs very well. So I put together a little guide of some quick and easy ways of determining whether the object of your desire is desiring YOU back – along with some subtle tests you can apply while you’re talking to them to get a better read on their true feelings towards you. We go through all these signals and tests in much more depth in my Men’s & Women’s Date Coaching Programs, but here are some great ones to get you started.
1. The Conversation Test:
If they keep the conversation going: If you’re talking a lot and asking questions, and your date is answering with short or dry answers and doesn’t ask YOU many questions or make an effort to continue a well-flowing conversation, they may likely be uninterested in you. If however your date gives longer, thoughtful answers and asks you lots of questions, and they seem curious and animated while asking questions and giving responses, then they are most likely into you. Also, incorporate some teasing and sarcasm in the conversation, and even some light sexual humor if you’re able to – if he or she doesn’t tease back or quickly changes the subject rather than keeping it going, they are usually not interested.
2. The “False Time constraint” Test:
One highly effective way to test if your date is having a good time with you and wanting to keep it going or not is by giving them what’s called a “false time constraint.” Here’s one example of how you would do this: Right after dinner or the movie, while you’re having drinks or whatever else you’re doing, start casually glancing at your watch a few times and mumble something to yourself like, “Oh shoot it’s (9, 10, whatever time it is) already…” Or, ask them if they know what time it is, as if you might need to go somewhere soon.
THEN – See how he or she responds so you can gauge how much longer to stay.
If they say something like, “Oh, do you need to be somewhere or something?” and they seem disappointed, you know they’re probably still interested in hanging out. You can reply something like, “Oh just got an early day tomorrow, lots of meetings” or whatever.
If it seems like he or she wants you to stay longer, or say something like, “Aww, too bad,” you can then say something like “I’ll hang out for a little longer though” or “I’ll have one more drink before I have to leave.”
If they reply something like “Yeah, it is getting late…” or it seems like they are ready to end the date too, you know that’s your cue that they may not be that into you. If you catch THEM checking their watch or cell-phone a few times during the date, that’s not a good sign either. Better be the one to wrap it up first.
3. The Touching Test:
Throughout the date or interaction you should casually touch the person while talking, such as on his or her arm, on the small of her back, on the shoulders, etc. You can find other excuses to touch them while you’re storytelling or showing them pictures from your i-phone, ordering their drink in a noisy bar, etc. And generally if someone is into you, they will WELCOME the touch and start turning their body closer to you so you can increase the frequency of touching or they will start reciprocating by touching you back. But if they are NOT interested in you, especially with women, we will be “grossed out” by your touching us and we will back away, become stiff, turn our bodies away, or whatever else we can subtly do to prevent you from touching us again. Also, if it is cold out, you can offer to lend a girl your jacket or say, “Aw you look so cold” and casually rub her back for a few seconds as if you’re warming her up. A woman who likes you will be happy you touched her and will probably inch closer to you or smile while you’re doing that. A woman who isn’t into you will instantly become stiff and will not smile, maybe even rolling her eyes and donning an “ew, get me out of here” look on her face.
4. It’s all in the Body language:
Look for cues in your date’s body language to help you determine interest. Generally a person who is interested in you will have their body TOWARD you, leaning in, and closer to you. They will have their legs crossed toward you and their body language will seem open, relaxed, and comfortable. They will be looking at you a lot, smiling a lot, and make good eye-contact. Women will often perk their boobs up and arch their back a little, and fix their hair quite a bit. Men may also fix their hair occasionally or their shirt. These are all good signs (called “preening” in the animal kingdom). Now, if your date has their arms crossed, they aren’t smiling very much or their smile or laughs seem forced or stiff, if they are looking away a lot and their legs are crossed AWAY from you, if they pass up opportunities to sit closer to you, and if their body language looks uncomfortable and guarded, those are sure signs that they are NOT into you.
5. The Jealousy Test:
Now here’s another sneaky little test you can throw out there. This usually works a little better a few more dates or interactions in, but you can still use a version of it on the first date. You basically want to name-drop another guy (or if you’re a guy, then name-drop a girl) in a subtle way, and sense their reaction for any signs of jealousy. You can say something like, “So I have this girl friend, and she just asked me to be her date to a wedding in a few weeks. But I’m pretty sure we’re just friends. What do you think, friends go with friends to weddings right?” Or something along the lines of that. Ask naively, as if you’re getting her or his advice.
If he or she gets defensive at all, talks down on the girl or guy, or seems visibly jealous in any way, or teases you about it, then it’s usually a good indicator that they’re attracted to you. If they pause to think about their answer, that’s usually a good sign as well that means they care and they’re trying to think up the best answer. If they act like they could care less either way or encourage you to go, it’s usually a sign that they are not attracted to you.
You can also subtly drop the name of your female or male friend or mention that you have plans with them next weekend or what not, and see if they ask any follow-up questions or seem jealous at all. Just don’t make it too obvious that you’re fishing and keep this subtle.
6. Handling the Check:
If a woman insists on splitting the bill (not just lightly offers, but insists), then that is often a sign that she just wants to keep it as friends (and she doesn’t want to feel “obligated” to you in any way). If a man tries to keep the date as cheap as possible and wants you to share the bill, that’s often a sign that HE isn’t that interested.
7. The Pupils are Worth 1,000 words:
It’s a scientific fact that when you are attracted to someone or excited by something, your pupils dilate. So a great indicator of whether or not someone is attracted to you is by looking at their eyes! If their pupils are really large when you’re with them and their eyes widen a lot when you’re talking with them, then it’s a good sign that they’re interested. If their pupils are small and their eyes seem flat and unanimated, they are probably bored or just not attracted to you.
8. The Walk-to-the-Car Test:
Another test you can use to determine interest is the walk to the car or house. If you’re a man and your date drove to meet you somewhere, then at the end of the date you should offer to walk her to her car, or her front door-step. If she says, “No thanks, you don’t have to” – that’s usually no-bueno. She’s ready to get away from you and doesn’t want that kiss. And ladies, watch your man’s body language while he’s walking you to your car or front door, and if he even offers to walk you in the first place. If he doesn’t offer to or insist on it, or if he walks you over but keeps his distance and then just gives you a quick & friendly hug, he probably isn’t interested. If he does walk you over and he has his arm around you, is touch-feely, holds your hand or kisses you, then that is usually a sign that he is.
Good Luck! SHARE your comments, thoughts & Experiences below!