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DeAnnas Dating Blog

Is your 1st IMPRESSION unknowingly Turning Men off??

Do you not seem to be getting the kind of men that you really WANT?

Are you not getting 2nd or 3rd dates – or committed relationships – with the guys that you’re really interested in?

Are you a smart, successful woman of substance who has it all together but you feel like you get passed up a lot for the young bubbly Barbie Doll?

What’s the DEAL here, and what can you do?

You’re a great person with a lot to offer, WHY are these men not seeing that?

Well, here’s one major place to look – How is your APPEARANCE and FIRST Impression on your Date?

Your Appearance, Image and First Impression may be what’s been primarily holding you back from attracting the guys that you really deserve.

Like it or hate it, it’s a FACT of nature: All Men are VISUAL creatures! That’s just the way they were wired from millions of years ago and they were wired that way for the purpose of reproduction and survival.

And WHAT all men are powerfully attracted to at the most primal level are women that exhibit a high level of: Femininity, Beauty, Youthfulness, & Health. (I can go into the longer version of why this is at another time)

What sparks a Man’s initial interest in a woman is SEXUAL ATTRACTION

What keeps it going for the long-haul is Compatibility.

But, he will look for the compatibility only later after he knows he is truly sexually attracted to you.

 So a man’s brain (and penis!) will either light UP when he sees you… or nothing will happen, and if nothing happens, then he just ISN’T going to date you.

Do NOT make the mistake of thinking or hoping that you can get a man to want to date you or fall in love with you based mainly on your hilarious sense of humor, your Mensa-level intelligence, your amazing success, income or accomplishments, or your really SWEET and loving, big heart.

Sorry to break the news to you sister, he just won’t.

And also, if you’re one of those women who tries to come off really CONSERVATIVE and basically Asexual – totally “buttoned up” both physically and energetically – and essentially closing off any sign of you being a sensual women who is capable of having sex because you want to make sure you’re not “putting it out there” and you want to prevent your date from (God forbid!) thinking about sleeping with you or lusting over you…

Well That won’t work either!

You shut off all your natural womanly sensuality, and that’s just what you’ll get in return – a platonic guy FRIEND who is unable to feel sexually attracted to you.

Many women, especially very driven, successful career women I encounter in my coaching practice are like this at first – very “closed off” & uncomfortable with putting out any kind of sensual or sexual vibe.

“A man should not be thinking about that while he’s getting to know me!”

She might think. And so she “wraps it all up,” so to speak.

And I also know many women who relate to themselves as more of a “TOM-BOY.”

They’re always hanging out as one of the guys, they love their sports and recreational softball team…  they love their beer and hate girly drinks, and they can’t stand heels or cute dresses…

Then, they scratch their heads and wonder why they’re 35 years old and still single – and can’t seem to keep a man interested in them romantically.

Well if you fall into any one of those categories, here’s what I have to say to you:

Stop being Weird! Stop pretending like you’re not a sexual human being with a vagina!

Stop resisting the fact that men are attracted to pretty women who look good and smell nice!

Stop pretending like guys aren’t thinking about sex when they’re on a date with you and it isn’t an important factor in their ability to feel attraction for you, because it IS!

Just STOP resisting it!

And start acting, looking and dressing like a feminine WOMAN on your dates.

Just because you’re wearing a cute dress, some heels and you delicious perfume doesn’t mean a man’s going to jump across the table and molest you or something. LOl.

But when you look hot, there’s just a high percentage that he’ll think you’re hot and he’ll be ATTRACTED to you.

And yes, that’s what you WANT.

You don’t want to go to the extreme and look like a skank of course; Tastefully pretty is always the way to go – but you DO want to dress cute enough in outfits that fit well on your womanly curves, and ideally wear a dress/skirt and high heels.

Because when he first looks at you, he’ll be looking for whether that attraction “switch” jumps on or stays put, so you’ll want him to think, “WOW, she’s hot!” (And this goes for guys of any age, it never changes 🙂

Because if he thinks you’re attractive when you first walk in, he will already like you and WANT to like you,
so he will already be looking for positive things in you throughout the date to try to keep reaffirming his first image of you being an attractive woman that he should keep seeing – 

And he won’t be looking for negative things or flaws in you – or, he’ll typically be more forgiving of them at least.

You’ll just have the odds of him wanting to see you again higher and stacked in your favor if he’s already physically/sexually attracted to you.

So ladies, I hope that makes more sense as to why it’s SO important that you doll yourself up and make an awesome, attractive First Impression on your dates and interactions with men, and why it can ruin your chances with great guys if you don’t.

And I hope you also now know the value of looking attractive and a little sexy, and acting like a WOMAN!

**We go much more into depth developing your attraction and dating skills with men and unleashing you inner Femininity in my Women’s Date Coaching programs & upcoming Weekend Attraction Bootcamps. If you’re interested in finding out what’s been standing in the way between you and having the relationship of your dreams – and you want to manifest YOUR Soulmate this year – Submit this brief “Dating Needs Assessment”, and we’ll schedule a time to talk!

your Friend & Partner in Relationship Success,

DeAnna Lorraine 🙂

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Do you Scare MEN Away by committing this Common Crime?

So I was inspired to write this blog after seeing AshLee, one of the top 3 finalists on The Bachelor (my guilty pleasure), get sadly booted off last night by Sean after she painstakingly declared many times that she believed Sean was her “Soulmate.” I’m going to tell you my expert analysis of what she did wrong that caused his seemingly sudden change of heart about her – because it’s something that a lot of my female clients do (before getting my coaching, of course) and MUCH of the female population does!

Does this situation sound familiar to you? You start dating a guy and you like him a lot, everything seems to be going great, and you think things are moving along in the right direction…

You are pretty certain he likes you back and it’s moving the way you want it to. You feel like love is in the stars for you and maybe you already feel like he’s The One!

  And then all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere – your guy starts pulling away, or he just suddenly tells you “I really like you… BUT I’m just not into a commitment right now and I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”  Or something like, “I want to slow things down a bit and just keep things casual.”

And you are in disbelief with your head spinning as you drop down from your cloud 9 to figure out what exactly happened.  Well if this has happened to you before, your multiple times, it may very well be a sign that you move too quickly, or, what I call, “Assuming the Role of Girlfriend.”

Here’s some common behaviors that women do when they’ve crossed into this “Assuming the Role of Girlfriend” phase – similar to what our friend AshLee did on The Bachelor:

  • Once you start really falling for him, You think you feel safe and comfortable expressing more of your feelings and getting a little more comfortable and close… But then you get a little TOO comfortable expressing your feelings to him. And opening up to him about anything and everything, including some skeletons in your closet.
  • Before he’s even brought up The Talk, a.k.a. the big “Commitment Talk” with you and expressed his burning desire to commit to you, you start DOING little “girlfriendy” things – like leaving stuff at his place, stopping by his work to bring him lunch, or assuming you guys will have plans together on the weekends or in a few months from now.
  • You may make yourself totally available and accessible to him, both emotionally, physically and sexually in in the way that a committed girlfriend would be – gushing to him about your growing feelings for him, trying to see him any chance you get, and not dating anyone else but him.

And it’s usually pretty shortly after that that he suddenly puts on the brakes… Seemingly (to YOU), out of nowhere.

For a guy, all of this just comes too much, too soon! And it causes him to take a step back and pull away.

Because men are slower to come around to big changes in their life. Unlike most women, most men are pretty content hanging out as a Bachelor and playing the field for a while, and the idea of a “committed relationship” feels at first more of a lockup on their precious “freedom” then it is beautiful and desirable thing like us women think of it as.

First they need to just get used to these new exciting feelings they have for you…  Then they want to enjoy the little chase they get in pursuing you and getting to know you better.

If keep digging you and they find you to be a quality girl who has her own interesting life and is still keeping up with it, then he IS thinking about committing to you, and he WILL most likely bring up that “Commitment Talk” on his own a little bit later, when he feels that you’ve passed some of his “tests” and that you really are a quality girl that he enjoys being around, that won’t restrict his freedom, and that he genuinely wants to commit to.

But if you try speed things up too much, then it actually interrupts that process for him. It makes him feel pressured and anxious. It’s too much change, too quickly.

And especially if he gets the impression from you that you’re feelings are rapidly growing and you might even like him more than he likes you, then he feels even more pressured because he thinks he has to make a decision about you ASAP – either Yay or Nay – because he doesn’t want you to keep getting more attached and then, even more hurt if after evaluating things he realizes he doesn’t in fact want to commit to you.

And often what happens is that if he sees that you’re showing a lot more interest than he is, he’ll conclude that there must be something “missing” if he isn’t matching your level of feelings yet.

So, that’s short explanation of why a man may suddenly pull away or lose interest in you after everything seemed to be going great, and why it’s important to NOT exceed a man’s level of interest and effort during that crucial early dating phase. I coach my women in depth on this topic and transform these unattractive dating behaviors in my Women’s Date Coaching programs & my Weekend Bootcamps so that you are never the girl that gets dumped or ditched again, but the woman who has men wanting to COMMIT to and Marry them!

Love, your Dating Coach,

DeAnna xo

DeAnna Lorraine is a world-renowned dating expert & dating coach

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10 New Year’s Dating Resolutions YOU should make for 2013!

womens dating coach  Ah, It’s another New Year… Happy 2013! The New Year’s theme of personal growth and positive change is back around again. You may have done things this past year in your dating life that just didn’t work. You probably made some mistakes that you don’t want to repeat. But this year, decide to let THIS be the year you finally change and succeed! Based on lessons from clients and things I’ve found to be the biggest reasons for singles getting stuck in a dating rut and not finding success in their dating life, I’ve created a list of 10 essential resolutions for you to make in your dating life that if you truly stick to them and live out, will make a dramatic difference in your dating life and rapidly accelerate your search for finding and attracting The One. So make these resolutions this year; I want THIS to be the year that you fall in LOVE!

  1. Get ACTIVE. Put yourself OUT there. Stop making excuses for yourself to not truly put yourself out there. Just like anything that you’ve gotten in your life, getting the relationship you want or an active dating life takes you getting out of your house, going OUT there, and putting time, effort and commitment into it every week, a little bit a day. So starting NOW… like, TODAY (not tomorrow!), get off your butt – and head to places that put you in exposure to the opposite sex.
  1. Change your Mindset. Make Dating FUN! Stop focusing on all the lack of available men and opportunities there are and start focusing on all the abundance of great singles there are – and you’ll get more of it. Don’t dwell on how frustrating dating is or thinking of dating like some a chore and think of dating as a fun adventure, where anything can happen along the way. Relax and enjoy the journey, start doing things you enjoy and it will BE more enjoyable for you.
  1. Develop and execute a “Dating Strategy Plan” for attracting your ideal relationship. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Never is that saying more applicable – yet underused – than in your dating life. Would you start your own business without a Business Plan? Would you travel across the country without a Roadmap? What does YOUR Dating or  Relationship Attraction Plan look like?  Based on your requirements for what you’re looking for in a partner, map out specifically where you will go, what you will do and when you will go to find and meet people that fit those criteria. What groups or clubs or activities will you sign up for? What places, events or venues will you go to during the week, and when? Map it out, create an actual plan and schedule for your weeks, and print it out and hang it up where you will see it every day. Stay present to it daily. (*We create these personalized Relationship Attraction Plans as one of the first things we do in both my women’s 1-on-1 date coaching program and the Group Date Coaching program, and it is an important part of my proven recipe for finding your dream man)
  1. Decide what you want, make a list, and stick to it! Stop dating blindly. Don’t waste more than 3 dates on people that don’t fit your criteria. At this point, if you’re serious about finding “The One,” and you’re sick of dilly-dallying around, you need to figure out exactly what you want – as well as what you don’t want. What are your “Must-Have” criteria and requirements? What are your “Deal-Breakers?” You need to have more than just a flimsy mental list, take some time and write them out and make a list of at least 10 of these non-negotiable criteria for what you must have and won’t settle for. Then make a commitment to use these lists as your barometer that you compare all your dates to. Find out if they meet those requirements within the first 3 dates, and do not continue dating them past 3 dates if they don’t – no matter how hot, rich, or sexy they are!
  1. Practice ASSERTIVENESS. How are you going to get what you want if you don’t know how to ask for it? Make a commitment to state your requests, stop expecting people to read your mind or instinctively know what you want. Ask for what you want – with people you’re dating, in the bedroom, and in life.
  1. If you want a great partner, BECOME a great partner. You can’t expect to find and attract someone who has all these qualities that you personally do not have. In order to find the perfect partner for you, you need to make sure you have all the qualities yourself that you’re looking for in a partner and are living the life that you want, or are actively working towards it.
  1. Be the “CHOOSER. Stop getting into relationships just because someone wants you really bad or aggressively pursues you. it can be very flattering when someone wants us and pursues us, but if you’re not really feeling them or they don’t meet your criteria, remember that you have the ultimate choice and YOU need to be the choose them. Just because someone chooses you doesn’t mean you have to choose them.
  1. Flirt shamelessly til the cows come home! If you want to rapidly open the floodgates and fill your pipeline up with a continuous flow of prospects, you need to master the art of flirting. Become a master at flirting, Flirt often and everywhere. Smile whenever you talk to people, make lots of eye contact and be playful and teasing!
  1. Master your First Impression. First impressions MATTER. Within the first 3 seconds of a new encounter…we are judged and evaluated, and you make an indelible impression. Depending on your physical appearance and attire, will either intrigue and attract someone, or turn them off. So if 3 seconds can determine your fate on a date, and can make or break your opportunity with someone…wouldn’t it make sense to do everything you can to control YOUR first impression, and make sure that it’s the best impression possible. You never know who you will meet and when, so dress like you’re about to meet the love of your life every date and put your best face forward. Don’t cut corners. Paying attention to the details of your first impression – like having a clean car, ironing your clothes, spritzing on fragrance or doing your make-up at home rather than rushing in the car on your way over there – will pay off.
  1. Stop settling for the “BTN” Guy. You know, the “Better Than Nothing” relationship. everyone gets lonely from time to time when they’re single, but stop getting into relationships or dating people that you know are below your criteria or aren’t right for you just because they’re better than being alone. It may seem like a short-term fix for you but its far worse in the long run and ends up wasting far more time and emotional energy, and it will cause you more pain than good.

Let me know how it goes, and good luck out there!

Cheers to a VERY prosperous 2013 in both life AND love! 🙂

Your Bonafide Dating Agent, DeAnna xo

DeAnna Lorraine is an internationally-recognized and san diego dating coach and dating expert.

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New Video: Ladies, Stop making this Mistake that Men hate!

Check out my new video ladies… Sorry I have to be a little tough-love on you girls sometimes, but I want you to discover your own potential blind spots because I want to see you successful in love! Share your comments and questions below. 🙂

Dating Coach DeAnna Lorraine

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