Tag Archives: relationship coach

DeAnnas Dating Blog

How I Discovered my Purpose as a Dating & Relationship Coach ~DeAnna’s Diaries

dating coachThe (“E! True Hollywood”) story of how my career helping people find love around the world was borne and what led me on my mission. 

I’m 8 years old and I live in a beautiful white, spacious, 3-story beach-house across from the ocean in Silver Strand Beach, California. I have 2 wonderful older brothers, a mom and dad whom I love, and a close circle of family friends. My parents have always put us in the best private Catholic schools and took us to Church every Sunday followed by dinner at one of our favorite restaurants.

We would spend weekends out on my dad’s boat, sailing to Catalina and the surrounding islands frequently, BBQ-ing while listening to my dad’s favorite tunes of Natalie Cole or The Doors (probably where I get my random taste in music from)….

My young and always vibrant mother makes a home-cooked meal every night, we take vacations to Hawaii and our lake house every year, and life is good! As far as I know, I don’t see anything wrong with my life or family, aside from some occasional fighting between my mom and dad and the bickering and wrestling matches with my brothers and I (they did a great job  of toughening me up!).

And then one day in the Summer, my dad takes a little trip for himself to Miami Florida, which is where he attended college and visits old friends there occasionally. For some reason he decided to take this trip by himself, but us kids didn’t think much of it at the time.

But then a few days later some really strange things started happening. One day while my father was gone, my mother suddenly invited her brother, my uncle, and some of her friends over to our house.

They started quickly and quietly cleaning out the house – and moving all of our furniture out. They were quiet and somber and didn’t offer us much explanation. I had no idea what was going on, but my brothers and I just watched as our big white house, formerly filled with our cozy furnishings, warmth and family memories rapidly grew more and more vacant and filled with cold air…

Within a few hours, our entire home was cleared out. You could hear our voices echo again through the high vaulted ceilings of the now empty house.

My mother didn’t say much to us, but just gabbed our hands and told us flatly that we had to leave, and that she would explain later. So we went with her. She drove us an hour in silence to our next destination, which turned out to be our grandparents house. They greeted us with loving arms and took us inside, and my brothers and I, my uncle , grandparents and my mom all sat around the living room together in silence…

Then my mother finally spoke, and she said the words that would change my life forever: “Guys… I have to tell you something… Your father is no longer going to be living with us anymore.”

What?? My jaw dropped in shock as tears started welling up in my eyes.

And then came the words that no child wants to hear:

“I’m sorry… Your Dad and I are getting a divorce.

And that was the day my life turned around.

The loving, complete family that I had and my life as I knew it was gone in one day!

My reality was no longer the same. Just like that, I went from having beautiful family holidays and Christmas’s with loads of presents under the tree, an excited mother cooking breakfast and a dad videotaping every special moment, to spending holidays in a divided home split up from my parents, alternating every other holiday with a different parent or having to painfully choose between them, being hours away from the other, and having a much quieter and emptier holiday.

I went from seeing my father every day and having dinner with him, to seeing him only a few times a year and living on opposite sides of the state.

Only 1 year later, my mother met someone new and remarried him. And again our life was shifted.

My brothers and I got uprooted from Los Angeles where we were born and raised, to Northern California where this new man that I was suddenly now supposed to call my Step-father lived, away from my father and all our family and friends that we grew up with.

But, we yet again managed to make the best of the situation and gradually adapted to this sudden new reality.

But then, after only a few years, just as we started finally coming around to this new life and step-father, the unthinkable happened again, believe it or not…

They started arguing… They started having problems…. The problems started getting worse… And they soon separated… And within 5 years, there I was, having to go through another divorce, all over again.

I found myself having deja vu with the same situation; only this time, I’m a little older and have a slightly thicker skin. I’ve got a little armor on now.; )

Many children in the same situation wind up going down the wrong path and living a pretty rocky life… But aside from some occasional teenage rebelliousness, I decided that I would NOT live my life as a victim of some sad circumstances. I would not be some troubled kid who people felt sorry for. I was determined to make something great out of myself.

I started seeing my life as an opportunity instead, and my purpose here became more and more clear.

And fast-forward to the present, here I am now today. Without proceeding to continue through my entire life story (that’s for my book!), I ultimately turned out okay obviously, with maybe some light war wounds and minimal scratches, I am complete with all the happenings, twists and turns in my life. This aint’ no sob story. I was fortunate enough to have parents and a family that, despite the circumstances, were always very loving and supportive of me and raised me well, and so I made it through the woods pretty healthy and happy. I’ve gotten completion with my parents and the divorces years ago and I  don’t hold any resentment towards them or any of the events in my life, because they’ve made me a lot stronger and wiser of a person and being the eternal optimist that I am, managed to turn the events of my life into something very positive.

For a long time while growing up through these divorces and all the negative ripple effects that came along with them, I had a lot of underlying feelings of guilt and responsibility in my parents’ divorce; I used to always feel like their marriage could have somehow been saved – I felt like if they just tried harder, went to therapy, communicated better, or explored different solutions then they could have solved their issues and prevented their divorce.

And even at a very young age I always had a strong sense of personal power and a gift for communicating and mediating. So as a little girl I was haunted a lot by regret, thinking that if I was just more aware of the problems that were going on between my parents at the time, if I maybe stepped in more and had better tools and knowledge of relationships at that time, I could have somehow ‘saved’ them and kept them together, happily married and continued our lives as a whole and complete family. Sometimes I would fantasize about this happening and how I could have helped them.

But whether I as a little 8-year old girl could have really saved my parents’ marriage or not, or how logical those Superwoman-esque thoughts really were, they were very real for me.

And thus, my career was borne.

I wasn’t able to save my own parents’ relationship, so I was going to learn how to save everyone else’s instead! My parents’ relationship didn’t work out, so I was going to make sure MY relationship did, so I can have the happy, fairy-tale marriage and family that I never got to fully have.

I declared it as my life’s mission to learn how to prevent these terrible things we call divorces all over the world. I never wanted anyone I cared about to have to go through a divorce, and I never, ever wanted to go through one myself… I would make damn sure of that!

I became fascinated with relationships and psychology, increasingly determined to figure out’ all the secrets and ‘keys’ to create successful relationships that work and last for life. I was always researching and reading all the relationship, dating and attraction books and studies that I could get my hands on. And I excitedly took this mission on!

I became the unofficial love ‘coach’ and adviser to my mother, my friends and classmates, and my brothers and all their (cute) friends, advising them on everything from helping them land the girl or guy they’ve been crushing on, to coaching them through their relationship issues, or helping them heal their broken hearts. It didn’t matter who I was counseling or whether they were younger or older than me, my wisdom seemed to transcend any age or gender gap.

As more and more relationships around me crumbled and divorces started becoming the norm among my family and friends, I was obsessed with discovering the secrets to having a relationship that beat the odds of divorce and stood through all the tests of life. Not only for myself, but for everyone around me. I wanted everyone to be able to have the lasting, fairy-tale marriage,  including myself.

Through my learning and development during the years, I seem to have unleashed a profound intuition – or what I came to call my “6th Sense” – for being able to talk to people and quickly read and understand their relationships and dating circumstances very accurately…. Sort of like how a Psychic reads your fortune, except for my psychic-ness seems to be specific to the area of people’s dating and relationships! Bizarre. (Well I certainly didn’t get the gift of Athleticism, so I guess this was my compensation. Lol).

I became very attuned with the energy and ‘heartbeat’ of a couples’ relationship.

Just by looking at a couple or being in their presence for a few minutes I could tell if they were having problems, if they had just been fighting, making love, if they were a compatible couple or not, and how long they would last. Just by talking with someone for a few minutes I could get a very accurate read on them, and understand intimately what the source of their problems were between the opposite sex or their partner, and what they needed to do to fix it. And as I continued acquiring my own relationships and dating experiences, they continued to add more layers of depth to my knowledge and kept refining my relationship psychic-ness.

Along with my study of relationships and love I studied all the components that go along with it in every stage, especially the whole world of dating, attraction, male and female psychology, sex, and social dynamics. Because one needs to understand and master the ‘dating phase’ first before they can master the ‘relationship phase.’ But even before that… There is one more phase that one must work on and master…

I came to a profound realization that: It all starts, and ends, with YOU!

All of the things that happen within dating and relationships, the level of success or failure of our experiences, is all entirely dictated and influenced by YOU.

It may sound pretty obvious and simplistic, but it’s actually pretty profound and if everyone really grasped this, then there would be much more successful and lasting relationships…

Because what this means is that we have a lot of work to do on ourselves, first! There’s a lot of personal responsibility one needs to take on if they want to find true and  lasting love with the right partner.

See most people look outside themselves to try to find greater happiness and love, or a better relationship. They keep searching for some ONE else or some THING else out there to ‘complete’ them or to make themselves happier or more confident. But YOU are actually at the source of everything that you want, and you’ve got to put some work into being the best version of YOURSELF first in order for you to attract the best relationship (and life) for you.

I realized that we as individuals need to be much more self-aware of who we are and what we WANT for relationships and our lives. And we need to be much more intentional and conscious in our efforts of finding ‘The One,’ and in the dating process along the way. If we keep going about dating and finding the right one blindly, haphazardly or with minimal awareness of what we’re doing, we will keep ending up in the wrong relationships, failed marriages and lots of mistakes and heartaches.

Our society has CHANGED, and continues to change rapidly… We want different things now and we have different (and much higher!) expectations and criteria for what we want in a partner, relationship and marriage than we did 50 years ago.

And along with our changing expectations, dramatically shifting gender roles and the climbing divorce rate, the dating scene also started changing rapidly and becoming very different and confusing for many people, especially with the advent of the Internet, Online Dating and new technologies. It’s really become a dating jungle out there!

In the last 10 years especially, people have been scrambling for help and answers! There has been a dire need for coaching and education in this area to guide people through all this craziness.

There is so much negativity and chaos going on in the world today as we’ve been rapidly evolving, so much breaking up and divorces, unhappy marriages and relationships, and people who are just existing in the world single and lonely or living unhappy, unfulfilling lives. People seem to have forgotten what life is all about – and what real LOVE is.

I believe it is everyone’s birthright to find true love in their lives and live a life that they really love. And that’s what I believe I was put on this planet to help people do. I know very well now that there’s a reason why I’ve gone through all the experiences I have, and over the years I’ve actually become truly grateful for it because all those experiences have shaped me into the person that I am today and have paved the path for my real purpose here. It’s as if the Universe already mapped out this plan for me and signed me up for this role way before I even arrived here. And the more I’ve grown into this position, with every year that passes I’ve seen the need for this work grow more and more. That’s why I’ve dedicated my life’s work to making a real, positive impact in this area.

What I’ve been hard but happily at work on in the last 10 years is creating extraordinary relationships and marriages that WORK and that LAST, all over the world. Marriages that actually BEAT the odds of divorce. I’m working on connecting men and women more intimately and bringing greater harmony, understanding and communication between the sexes, so we can create more successful and loving relationships with each other more readily. And I’m helping to make it possible for as many people as I can to find the love of their lives, AND live a life that they truly LOVE. A life that is passionate, delicious and fulfilling! Not a life that they are merely “existing” in and bored with.

When people are in love, when they are in happy, fulfilling relationships that work – they are more productive, more peaceful, more loving to those around them and live a better overall quality of life.

People who are in great relationships are actually a more positive contribution to society. And on the contrary, people who are alone and lonely, or who are stuck in unhappy, unfulfilling relationships or marriages that don’t work are actually a negative contribution to society on the whole, and tend to be depressed, less productive in their jobs, unfriendly to people, and more likely to do destructive things to society and to other people throughout their lives.

Imagine what it would be like if YOU and everyone around you were in loving, happy relationships??

The world would be a pretty different place!

So very long story short, that right there is what I’m up to and what I’m passionate about, and you can bet that I’ll be doing this till I’m in the grave. I’m always going to be doing this because this is much more than a job for me – it’s my passion and it’s personal, and my fire for it will always keep burning. Every new relationship I create, every person’s life that I help transform, and every new marriage that I help save reignites it.

I look forward to waking up every day and it’s an honor to do the work that I do! Thank you 🙂

In Love & Success, DeAnna xo

Your Relationship and Dating Coach

Read More

How to Make the BEST 1st Impression when ‘Meeting the Parents’ over the Holidays!

How to Successfully “Meet the Parents” & Pass the Holidays with Flying colors!

Meeting the family of your new girlfriend/boyfriend for the first time? Spending a holiday with them and need tips for not only surviving it unscathed but wowing their pants off and coming out of it with a trophy for Boyfriend/Girlfriend of the Year?” Relax – I’ve come to the rescue to save your holiday. C’mon, would I leave you hanging? Read this handy little survival guide I put together for you complete with unforeseen hidden “tests” – and take copious notes!

dating coach1. Get the inside scoop beforehand. This is very important. Before you even go over there, talk to your partner about the family and event dynamics so you can prep yourself for success. Ask your partner who they expect will be there, get their names and descriptions, and ask for some details on key people so you can be better equipped to start conversations and you can namedrop details here and there. For instance, is cousin Eric the Guitar Hero pro? Does Aunt Maria make the best stuffing west of the Missisipi? Did Uncle Jim just recently achieve a company award or did sister Stacy just come back from a trip from France? Get a couple details down, and you’ll be sure to impress when you namedrop them upon meeting them. You can also ask you partner if there’s anything you should know about the dynamics of the family and event. For instance, should you be prepared to answer 20 questions from Dad? Should you walk lightly on the topic of work around Eric who recently lost his job? Should you not ask about Aunt Gina’s relationship because it’s “sensitive?” Etc. Again, if you know these things beforehand you can avoid potentially embarrassing and awkward situations that can leave you quickly outside the “circle of trust.”
2. Dress Up, dress CLASSY & dress Conservative. Okay, I know a freshly starched button-down collared shirt or tapered dress isn’t half as comfortable as jeans and a T or your tattered punk clothes, SUCK IT UP and ‘suit up!’ This isn’t a time for cutting corners and opt for comfort, or to rebel against yuppies by expressing your “individual style” with “emo” pants or nose rings a la Adam Lambert. No matter what kind of family it is, even if you’re visiting a family that lives in a farm, as a general rule of thumb, as my mother so lovingly engrained in me, “It’s always better to overdress than under-dress.” Select your outfit for the big day a few days beforehand and make sure you get the stamp of approval from your partner so you can have time to go shopping for some new threads in case it doesn’t get the thumbs up.

Your goal is to fit in with the family’s style as much as possible. You can’t really go wrong with a button-down collared shirt and khakis, black slacks or nice jeans. For women, this isn’t the time to let the fam see how sexy you can look or show off your newly-tanned midriff. The look you want to achieve is classy, wholesome, and conservative yet comfortable. Showing any midriff or cleavage or sporting your stilettos and a mini is like a kiss of death to man’s mother. Show him you’re the kind of girl he can bring home to momma by toning it down and wearing a cute and classy dress with a cardigan or nice pants and a sweater if it’s cold. Wear simple jewelry and tone down the makeup if you tend to wear a lot typically. If the holiday runs more than a day, pack a few extra outfits like a staple dress, some comfy lounge-wear, and a casual outfit. Be sure to pack a swimsuit as well(you don’t want to be the only fish out of the water if swimming’s on the menu, or worse, have to awkwardly borrow one of dad or mom’s swimsuit that’s 6 sizes too large).

3. BRING something to the occasion – the token Guest Gift. This shows thoughtfulness, appreciation and class. You really can’t go wrong with a bottle of nice red or white wine (don’t go cheapo here, especially in case they’re wine connoisseurs – opt for a bottle in the $15-$40 range, it’s worth it). Pair it with a nice hand-written note thanking them for having you in their home, and perhaps even a small but thoughtful gift such as a plant or flowers. If you’re a woman, bring homemade cookies or dessert (or if you don’t cook, you can buy some, but homemade will give you extra ‘brownie points.”)

4. Make sure you reach out and shake everyone’s hand when you meet them, make sure you shake with your right hand and that your handshake is FIRM. If you already know you have a great handshake, then use it. If you aren’t sure (this is especially true for women, or men who haven’t been in business long) test it out on a trusted friend and get their honest feedback. For a man, your handshake should be firm and strong (but not a bone-crushing grip) and you should make direct eye contact while you’re doing so (especially if you’re shaking the father, brothers or uncle’s hand!). For a woman, your shake should still be firm (do NOT just shake with the tips of your fingers like a prissy princess, which exudes entitlement) but it should also bend a little in a natural, feminine way. Eye contact is very important. And remember their names when you shake their hand!

5. Be extra mindful of your manners. I hate to state the obvious, but you’d be surprised how often these things slip when you’re not realizing it or when you’re so nervous about impressing the fam. As a reminder: Always say please and thank you, don’t get more than one course of food unless everyone else is (and always let family serve themselves first) and keep your space neat! This includes making your bed or the couch in the morning. Don’t sleep in – make sure you’re up at the same time or earlier as everyone else so you’re not known as “Sleepy Sam.”

6. Offer to Help: Here’s another big one, and one that lots of mothers often test for (mine especially – this is considered a ‘red flag’ when someone’s poor date forgets to do this!). Offer to help whenever possible. So when they’re cooking the meal, go into the kitchen and ask if there’s anything you could do to help. When they start clearing dishes after the meal, get up and help them clear dishes or sincerely offer to help. Offer to help them clean up afterward or just pick up a sponge yourself and go at it.

7. Bond with the family.
Make sure you’re friendly and social and talk to every one of the family members (or at least make a genuine effort to). Twelve-year-old cousin Nicky isn’t any less important and when others see you talking to every person, you’ll score major points. Spend a little time getting to know each person and asking about their interests, connecting with them on some level, and trying to find things in common or that you could offer your knowledge about or bond about. If you keep to yourself or just with your partner, others will definitely take notice and you’ll come across cold and anti-social. I don ‘t care if you’re shy or suffer from “social anxiety,” MAKE AN EFFORT. But of all people you’ll talk to, the key people that are the most important to bond with if you’re a woman are the mother, and sisters; and if you’re a guy, her father and brothers. These are the ‘Gate-keepers’! Some key pointers:

  • a. When talking to Brothers or Dad: Look them in the eye when you’re talking to them. Try to find out their interests and see if you guys have some things in common. Don’t dodge alone time with any of them, use it as an opportunity to bond. Pick up a pool stick and join them if that’s where the boys are or join them in poker or football.
  • b. Tests that they’re looking for: Make sure that if you get asked about your career or what your goals are or financial situation is, have a clear answer! Never answer with, “I don’t know yet” or “You know, I’m not sure what I want to do yet,” or “I haven’t figured it out yet, I’m just enjoying life right now,” or “I’m having some financial issues right now.” Her family, especially her father, wants to know you have a plan, goals, and financial stability. If you really are not sure what you want to do with your life and career and are in a transitory stage, better to rely with something like, “Well right now my options are A and B and I’m taking 3 months right now to figure out and decide which option will make me the happiest and allow me to create the best future and financial stability for me and my future family.” So that doesn’t sound like you’re just drifting, you want to still illustrate that you have some kind of plan and timeline in place which will ease their worries a bit and make you sound more responsible. If they ask you what some of your future goals are, say SOMETHING. Don’t just say, “I don’t know.” Men in particular when asking these kinds of questions are testing more for traits like decisiveness, responsibility, ambition and stability and the ability to plan rather than the content of your answers themselves.
  • c. For women, bond with the other women by: Joining them in the kitchen if that’s where the majority o the women are, and offering to cook and clean. Even if you’re more like “one of the guys” and prefer to be in the midst of the poker game and you can’t cook a casserole to save your life, at least spend some time to bond with the gals and gab, gossip, or whatever it is they do to fit in.
  • d. Tests that they’re looking for: Mothers and sisters are often testing for signs that you’ll make a good wife and mother to their son/brother. That’s why you should show your domestic side by lending a helping hand in the kitchen, and play a little with the baby if there’s one around, and, especially if you’re a power career-woman type, show them your soft side and let them know you’re not all about work. They’re also looking for signs that show you are loyal and committed for the long-haul and have strong values. Don’t dress or say anything skanky, don’t be inappropriately touchy-feely with your partner, and don’t correct them when they’re telling stories, and don’t nag them or ridicule them in front of others. Don’t ever talk about them in a negative way or make complaints about them to any family members, even if they do. One of my uncles had a girlfriend that he was living with for 2 years, and although I really liked her, she would often talk to me or other family members about an argument they recently had or an issue they were having or how she was getting worried that he hadn’t proposed to her yet and would seek my opinions or advice on the matter. Not the best strategy girl! Don’t do this, even if you are really close and comfortable with the family. It puts the person you’re talking to in an awkward position and downright doesn’t look good on your part.

8. “Do as the Romans Do.In other words, FIT IN. If the family is playing football, go out to the field. If it’s their tradition to play Jenga or Scrabble after dinner, happily join in. Don’t try to get a jail out of free card because “you’re in heels” or you “just straightened your hair” or you’re “not a jock.” If you sit out on the sidelines, you stand out and you become the topic of conversation later as to why you refused to join in the family games and tradition. Again its one of those things that you just have to suck up and do if you want to get their approval.

9. Be Easy & Easygoing. Don’t be too picky or difficult with food or make strange demands or have people do extra things for you. If you’re a vegetarian or vegan, don’t request that they make you a separate vegetarian dish, unless they volunteer to. If the whole fam is drinking water don’t request a soda or request red wine if the rest of them are drinking white. Just go with the flow and roll with the punches. Now is not the time to have them cater to your ultra-picky demands or idiosyncrasies. Stay with your mission to fit in, and it’ll all be over before you know it.

dating coach

10. Conversation – strike a balance. Don’t be too quiet or know one will get to know you. But you also don’t want to dominate conversations or try too hard to be funny or outgoing, or it’ll turn others off. Talk less then your partner on the whole, and don ‘t go overboard with storytelling or jokes. Subtly is the key, you don’t need to be a one-man stand-up comedy show or the Life of the Party for them to like you. Show you have a sense of humor and that you’re sociable, but remember that this is their family and their holiday, and ultimately you are the outsider. So let them talk more and share stories and news, and know that you don’t need to add your two cents about everything or talk too much about yourself. Avoid boasting and one-upping people. Also, if your partner has any news or recent accomplishments to share with the family, let your partner be the one to share it first; don’t do it for them. Don’t overstep your boundaries by acting like you’re already a part of the family when you’re still on the outside.

Final Tips to Seal the Deal:

  • Thank them! Lastly, make sure you thank them again on your way out, give them a hug and let them know it was great meeting and spending time with them. Then seal the deal by sending a personal thank you card in the mail a few days later. Compliment them on their home when you walk in. say, “Wow, I love your home, it’s beautiful!” no matter if it’s a mansion or a shack. If you notice other details like their choices of art on the walls or the mother’s collection of lladros or drapes, notice and compliment them on those things as well and you’ll warm their heart and get on their good side. Avoid gushing and bearing over-the-top with compliments though or you’ll come across phony.
  • Follow their “House Rules.” If the mother insists on you and your partner sleeping in separate rooms in the house even at age 42, just DO it, period, and don’t try to sneak around in the middle of the night (or get a hotel). There may be cameras set up. If it’s their tradition to wake up at 8 and do chores, don’t rebel against it by sleeping in, join them.
  • Don’t get drunk. I know you’re nervous, but now’s not the time to pound shots and suck back tequila to loosen the nerves. Have a few drinks if that’s what the family’s doing, but keep your wits about you and avoid getting sloppy. Even if the 260 pound Marine Corp uncle is challenging you to see who could slam back more shots of Cuervo, know your limits and if you feel you’re getting close then politely refuse and take a water break. I remember a boyfriend I brought to Thanksgiving one year who ended up making an idiot of himself after 9 or 10 shots, swearing and slurring, “I just F’king love your daughter, she’s so F’king great, F’k!” Didn’t go over too well the next day. And then a poor girlfriend my brother brought one year who spent the second half of the evening curled up on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet seat. Don’t be that girl (or guy)!

Follow these guideline and you’ll be sure to breeze through the holiday with flying colors and get raving reviews immediately following!

-Copywrite 2011 DeAnna Lorraine San Diego Dating Coach

Read More
DeAnnas Dating Blog

3 Dangerous Dating “Traps” that are Keeping your Single!

Right now we have the highest rate of single men and women in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and 50’s than ever before.
In my date coaching practice I’ve worked with many women who are in their 30’s and 40’s who have been single for years before working with me, and barely any closer their dream of getting married. And with all the women I coach day in and day out I see common patterns and issues; Among my discoveries I’ve come to distinguish a number of different dating “traps” that modern women have been consistently falling into in recent years, unknowingly sabotaging their own success and keeping themselves single.

Here I’m going to share with you 3 of the most common of these traps that I’ve coined names for so you can see if you recognize yourself in any of them and get yourself out!

#1: Modern-day Workaholism:

“Workaholism” has become an epidemic among modern women in our society as of late. The Workaholic woman is the woman who is really involved with her work. She’s so determined to accomplish her career goals and be super successful that she just buries herself in her work… Working late nights, working weekends, and keeping herself so darn busy that she “Never has time to date.”

She may ENVISION a future with a wonderful husband and family someday… But she MAKES herself so busy that she doesn’t have any room in her life for finding – or cultivating – a relationship! Or she keeps saying that she wants to wait to have a relationship UNTIL… “I make my first million,” or “I make Partner in my Law firm,” or fill in the blank with some other career milestones that she wants to hit before she feel worthy and “ready” to have that relationship.

But the PROBLEM is – And yes there is a problem here – Your life doesn’t just magically stop when you’ve reached whatever milestone of success you set out to hit; usually, you’re still working, and still busy…  And after you’ve hit one goal, then you move the carrot higher and all of a sudden now you’ve made up a new level of success or accomplishment you have to hit before you’re “ready,” and the vicious cycle keeps continuing – you stay “busy working,” which is a great cover-up for YOU to blame as the reason why you’re not in a relationship, and it’s a great excuse for hushing up your friends and family too, if they buy it; And meanwhile you’re only just getting older, and nowhere closer to a relationship or marriage.

This is a common trap among single women today and can also be a hidden form of commitment-phobia that is keeping lots of women single.  

#2: The “Waiting for Mr. Perfect” Trap:

 You are suffering from this trap if you are a woman who believes there is just ONE special – i.e. “PERFECT” man out there for you in this world, and you’re just not gonna stop looking until you find him! Even when their 40… or 45… And God forbid you should “settle” for someone who isn’t that… The Perfectionist looking for Mr. Perfect usually goes way overboard in the high expectations department, and the laundry list of what they’re looking for may be pages long.

A Perfectionist woman’s list might read something like: “He’s gotta be Tall, sexy and a great body, but not a womanizer, super successful but makes me #1 Priority, Hilarious, Romantic but Masculine, Self-Expressive but not “Sappy”, Is affectionate and Attentive, but isn’t clingy, Loves to please you but isn’t a Pushover, Confident but not cocky, Wild and spontaneous, but stable and dependable, a real Manly man but also sensitive and writes me love letters, Dresses with impeccable style, but he’s totally straight…”

And the list goes on… And that is only the FIRST half of the page!

But that’s the whole problem: The Perfectionist’s criteria are impossible to find! This woman is often misguided by what she thinks a real relationship and life partner should consist of and has unrealistic expectations for him.

But often what’s really going on, unbeknownst to the Perfectionist, is that they are often so afraid to really commit or even begin a real relationship, that they compile a list of impossible requirements that no one will ever be able to meet.

After all, the more complicated the order, more difficult it is to fill it… And if by some chance a man does manage to break through to make it to the one-month mark, well, then the Perfectionist comes up with a slew of new, even more stringent requirements, challenges, and expectations. Faced with the prospect of actually falling in love, The Perfectionist immediately begin to over-analyze the person, frantically evaluating & nit-picking every little thing about him until she hits upon the perfect deal-breaker that will finally end the relationship once and for all.

Then she writes it off as another man who just wasn’t her “Soulmate” afterall, and off she goes on her hunt again…

So many single women nowadays go about dating thinking they are going to be with Prince Charming, who will be instantly perfect and fulfill all their needs. But then meanwhile they pass up lots of other wonderful guys left and right. Yes you’ve gotta have high standards, and I do believe in finding someone who is an ideal match for us who we have a strong soul connection with – but taking that too far and searching for perfection will likely keep you alone and single, because no one will ever be good enough.

#3: The INACTION Trap:

 The women that fall into this trap are those women who SAY they want a relationship or marriage… But they don’t take any ACTION towards getting it!

You complain about not being married or in a relationship and you tell everyone you WANT one…. But yet you’re spending your Friday and Saturday nights watching movies on your couch eating ice cream!

 You say you want a relationshipBut you don’t even make the small effort to go to a singles event or meetup group. Perhaps you’re too lazy to dress up and go to the gym and get yourself into shape. You’re too scared to even talk to a guy or smile at someone across the way that you think is cute.

I have to LAUGH at how many clients who begin working with me are guilty of this. You know you need help in improving your dating success or another area of your life, but you don’t ever do anything about it; you don’t reach out and get the support that you need to be successful, whether that be from a dating coach, a Therapist, a Personal trainer, or whatever…

You claim that you’re stuck in a rut and you’re frustrated about it, but you don’t take any meaningful action to get yourself out of it!

Bottom line is, you say you want a relationship or marriage, but you’re sitting back and not doing any of the leg-work to GET it! You want this gigantic amazing reward, but you want to get it for free with little or no effort on your part. Or maybe you think your Perfect soulmate will just fall out of the sky and land right in front of you, “when the time is right.”

Uh huh… Well, I hate to break it to you, but nothing in life is free. And expecting to find your future Husband without taking any action or without putting in much effort on your part is not going to get you there.

You’ve gotta do some work here sister! 

So those 3 dating traps are perhaps the most common among women today, and they are dangerously catching single women of all kinds, but especially smart and successful, otherwise very savvy women. I’ve even caught myself falling into 2 of these traps in the past at some point before I realized the subtle self-sabotage and pulled myself out. If you can see yourself in any or all of these traps, then it’s time to re-evaluate how things have been going with your life and how you might be getting in your own way.

In your quest to find your true love, what might you have been hiding? What have you been pretending?

Where might you have been inauthentic? What is it that you’re really looking for?

If having a loving and committed, fulfilling relationship someday is what you really want and you don’t want to single forever, then it’s time to take a good luck at what you’ve been doing in this area, and if you notice that you’ve fallen into one of these traps, pull yourself out of it!

Let me know how it goes; And if you need coaching around this to help accelerate your success, just contact me and we’ll talk! 🙂

xoxo, DeAnna

Read More
DeAnnas Dating Blog Uncategorized

Diaries of a Dating Coach ~ My own Journey of Life & Love :)

Dear Friends,

The blog I am writing for you today is not a typical one… I’m about to write something different than my usual dating & relationship
tips and strategies that I have for you. This time, it’s personal. I’m turning the spotlight around to me. So here’s the story…. In the last 6 years of me being a Dating & Relationship Coach professionally, I have had the spotlight on everyone else – I share stories about my clients, stories and questions that my readers or community members have asked me, or shared things that my friends are going through, or some dating experiences from my past and give strategies, tips and techniques. But I’ve been relatively private about my own love life and what I’m going through at the time, unless I’m talking to clients or close friends. I’ve always kept my own love life and relationship status at a bit of a distance and not shared too much to the public, and to you guys.

And the main reason why is that I’ve been afraid to. I was afraid that opening up about my own life and love experiences would open myself up for judgment or criticism from people. I was worried that it might make me look like less of an “Expert” if my love life wasn’t 110% perfect, all the time. I was worried that everything I did or shared with you would be scrutinized and if I made any “mistake” along the way or had any inevitable pitfalls or weird experiences of my own that people would judge me for it or make claims against my knowledge as a coach. For these reasons, I’ve been secretly afraid of being totally authentic and vulnerable with everyone.

But it’s been bothering me more and more because all I want to do is share everything with the world, share all my experiences, good and bad, and share my journey along the way because I think people can learn so much from my own experiences and my transparency. And, I’ve realized that I coach my clients on being totally authentic and I know that it takes authenticity and vulnerability in order for you to have a real, healthy and lasting relationship. You have to be okay with being a little vulnerable sometimes because if you’re always worried about protecting yourself and putting on a “perfect” front, you’ll never have a real, deep relationship with people but only superficial ones.

And I realized the same thing goes for being a coach like myself. I’ve gotta walk my talk here! If I’m teaching my clients that they need to be vulnerable and authentic, then I need to do the same thing or else I’m being a hypocrite. If I never share anything about my own life or only talk about it like it’s perfect, I’m doing really myself and my friends and followers a disservice because I’m keeping my connection with everyone at a more surface level and not being totally real.

Because the truth is, no human being is perfect, and I am not perfect either. Even though I’m a Coach and what people refer to as a Leader or “expert” in the field of dating and relationships, I may be more advanced in knowledge and development of this area than most average people are, but I am not perfect and I never will be (And I think perfection is kind of boring anyway). In the area of life and relationships especially, there is always more to learn and grow. You will never quite master anything. I read every dating, relationship and attraction-related book or piece of material I can get my hands on since I was a little girl and have gone through a ridiculous amount of training, but perhaps what’s contributed even more to my level of depth as a coach is my own experiences, which include both my successes and my downs.

I learn new lessons all the time about life and love and it’s through your own experiencing, experimenting and living that you gain the real knowledge and wins in life.

Because there’s just so much to learn. And as I’m sure you all know, love is not 100% guaranteed or predictable. And that’s why I haven’t shared much of my own love life in the past, because it’s the one thing no one, even a professional dating coach can entirely predict or control and no one has a crystal ball to see what it’s going to look like a year from now or 10 years from now, and God forbid I should make a mistake or have a bad experience in my dating or relationships and everyone were to see – oh the horror! “My life and love life has to be completely perfect, I’m a leader in the relationship industry so it has to be!” I used to think.

But the truth is that perfection isn’t real. If I keep my personal life private, then how do you know I’m really real? There are 3 things that I’m extremely committed to in this life; I’m committed to having to having an extraordinary life, having an incredible, lasting relationship (my true love), and making a positive difference in as many other people’s lives as possible to help THEM have extraordinary lives and relationships. I’ve realized over the years that this takes being authentic, intimate and also vulnerable.

I want you to see that I go through and have gone through the same kinds of things you’ve gone through. I’ve experienced tremendous love, loss, ups and downs, frustrations and major disappointments. I’ve broken hearts and have had my heart broken. I’ve been a player and I’ve also been played. I’ve had many relationships, some great and some bad, and they’ve all served a really important place in my own journey to finding true love because I’ve learned so much valuable stuff from each of them. I think each relationship you have is like adding on another degree to your Higher Education! I may be on a more advanced level in this area than many people, but I am on this journey too like you and I always will be.

So I want to totally share my own journey with you. And yes I’m going to be sharing both my ups AND my downs with you, as scary for me as that is. I realize it opens myself up to potentially more criticism, but it’s worth the risk for me to experience the reward of being totally authentic and honest. Nothing feels more liberating than feeling free to be self-expressed and straight-up, to truly be yourself, rather than a censored, buttoned-up version of yourself because that’s just not real (and not nearly as much fun!)

So there you have it, I’m opening up the doors & sharing  my own journey with you. It’s time to “come out of the closet” so to speak (figuratively speaking, Lol). I hope you enjoy reading it and I hope through my stories I can in some way inspire you, enlighten you, connect with you or heck at least just entertain you!

Alrighty I’ll be posting again soon, much love and thanks for tuning in! 😉

Your Friend & Partner in Relationship success,

DeAnna xo

Read More
1 2 3 4 10