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What Guys REALLY Mean when they Say they “Don’t Want to Commit” to you

I’m sure you’ve wondered how men really come to the decision that you’re ‘The One’… or that they want to commit to you…

And I’m sure you’ve wondered why the hell a guy will tell you he’s “Not ready for a commitment right now,” and what that really means.

dating coach deanna lorraineYou’ve probably also wondered WHY guys commit to some women, but not others.  

Well, unlike what most women think, its usually NOT because they CAN’T commit at all…. Or that they’re circumstances, like their work or their schedule, won’t allow them to commit to you…

What guys actually mean when they say this is… They are able to commit, but they don’t just don’t want to Commit to YOU.

Eek. Sorry to be the bearer of the brutally honest truth, but its true…

For a number of both emotional and logical reasons, they are:

  • a) Not FEELING strongly attracted enough, and
  • b) Have determined that you are not “High Value” enough and don’t perceive you as “Long-Term Relationship/Wife Material.”

So, they may continue to string you along though, especially if they’re getting any other kind “benefits” from you – like sex, or money, or getting their ego stroked by your attention.

But, understand that they are most likely looking around on the side for someone they think is better, and will never actually commit to you. They will probably just continue to string you along and break your heart.

Don’t try to give them excuses like “Oh, he’s just really really busy with his work right now, and that’s why he can’t commit to me right now.”

dating coach deanna lorraineNope! I’m sorry to say this, but no matter how busy a man is, he will still happily commit to a woman and make time for her if he’s really into her and “feeling” it. So don’t buy that as an excuse if you hear that.

If a guy tells you that they “don’t want a commitment” or aren’t ready for one, believe them! Don’t make the mistake that so many women do of hanging in their thinking you can “change their mind,” or change them from a player to a committed man.

Don’t make the mistake of trying to “win him over” by doing lots of nice things for him, giving him sex whenever he wants it, seeing him at his convenience even if he’s not having proper dates with you. (God forbid) loaning him money, or doing other nice things thinking that if he just continues to see how amazing, sweet, and giving you are, or if he just sees how great you are in bed, that he’ll eventually change his mind and commit to you.

This rarely, if ever, will happen.

Also, another rule of thumb about men is that if a guy feels really strongly about a girl, HE will be the first one to bring up the “DTR” (“Define The Relationship”) Talk!

He will come to YOU and ask you about a commitment – You, as the woman, shouldn’t be the one trying to bring up the commitment talks to him. If you’ve been going after him for a commitment, that’s a red flag in itself.

dating coach deanna lorraine

When a guy really is into a girl, he does NOT want to share her with any other guy; He will want to see her as much as possible and want her all to himself!

Typically, a guy will NOT commit to a girl and will put them in the “Temporary girl” category, if they:

  • Don’t feel a deeper emotional connection with you and if the connection is just physical/sexual
  • If they don’t find you attractive and presentable enough to be proud of you, and to show you off publicly. (This is why many women who are overweight may often fall into this trap of being the “Temporary girl” who guys may sleep with and string along, but don’t want to commit to.)
  • Perceive you as having “Low Value.” Women telegraph either “High Value” or “Low Value” to men pretty quickly, through various signals, like how they communicate and the things they say and talk about, how they carry themselves, how they dress, how they take care of themselves, how they express their emotions, what kind of a life, family and friends they have. Women who communicate a lot of insecurities, self-doubts, fears, complaints, and other negative emotions, come across as “Low Value” to most men, and most men will be turned off by this and reticent to commit to these women.
  • If she is one-dimensional, and come across as dull or boring.

On the contrast, these are some of the primary factors that make most men WANT to commit to a girl, and desire her greatly:

  • If they have a strong physical, sexual, AND emotional connection with her.
  • If they are proud of the way she looks and carries herself, and proud to “show her off” publicly. She has a special “spark” about her, an “IT Factor” that draws people in.
  • If she comes across as having “High Value.” A woman projects “High Value” by the way she communicates and carries herself; She is engaging in the way she talks to him and his friends, she exudes confidence and self-love, femininity, and sex appeal.
  • She has a high level of “emotional fitness” – i.e., she handles her emotions well and for the most part is positive, happy, fun, centered, and easy-going.
  • She is multi-dimensional, and interesting.

dating coach deanna lorraineAcross the board, in all my interviews and coaching sessions with guys of all ages including my own dating experiences, these are the top factors that men state are the most attractive in women and that trigger intense passionate feelings and desire in them to commit to these women.

So, if a guy you’ve been seeing has been “on the fence” about you for a while and says he does not want to commit to you yet, then I advise you to either get out of that relationship, knowing that his perception has probably already been set, and try again with someone new.

Or, take your energy and efforts off of HIM and put those efforts into making certain changes in YOURSELF to develop or strengthen the qualities I listed above to make yourself more desirable, “High Value” and irresistibly commitment-worthy.

Then, see if things start turning around and he begins pursuing YOU!

**Want to discover the real reasons WHY men have not been committing to YOU, and what you can do about it to change your results with men? Do you want to know if men see you as “High Value,” marriage-material, or as a “Low-Value,” replaceable girl that they want to just string along? Find out now and learn what to do to break your pattern and start attracting amazing men who adore you and can’t wait to commit to you, by going through my proven 3-Step Dating Diagnostic & Love Makeover process today! Click below for full details & to begin.

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How Men Think DIFFERENTLY about Dates than Women!

You know what most women don’t realize? Well for one, that men and women are DIFFERENT! Yes, surprise surprise – guys are different than us.

dating coach deanna lorraineThey are not just “hairier” versions of us women. Believe me, I grew up around a house full of brothers and all their rowdy friends, and boy do they think differently and talk differently than us gals!

It was sure a blessing in disguise though that I essentially got to be a fly on the wall in the boys’ locker room all my life, which I owe a lot of my ability to understand guys very intimately and attract them well.

And, teach women how to do that. So getting into just one specific area of how guys are different than women, are how they think about dates.

Guys go into dates, think about dates differently, and what they are thinking ON the date is usually quite different than what women are thinking too!

You must understand these differences to help you see the man’s perspective so you can be more successful with connecting with them and getting them to pursue you.

  • #1. Guys are first thinking about SEX. Like it or hate it, they are first and foremost thinking, “Am I attracted to her? Do I want to have sex with her?” And beyond any thinking of thoughts even, they are FEELING something “down there,” or they’re not.

Sorry, but it’s the naked truth. No pun intended lol.

Boys will be boys. They are wired a certain way and have pieces of equipment, and it’s either going to go UP… or stay down and not respond.

They are firstly going with their “other” head, and following THAT head first. If they don’t’ even feel attracted to you (aka they want to have sex with you), then they won’t even bother seeing you again after a first date to see if anything else develops.

You must know that guys are attracted physically first, and you must make a guy feel sexually attracted to you, right from the first moment he sees you.

  • #2: Guys are not typically thinking long-term… Yet. They are not planning for the future, imagining walking hand-in-hand with you, or even thinking much about next weekend yet. Guys are much more in the here-and-now, present moment than women are.

Aside from a feeling of sexual attraction to you, they are either feeling GOOD in your presence, or not good or neutral. They are either having FUN with you, and feeling comfortable with you, and genuinely enjoying being with you and talking to you…. Or they are feeling bored or uncomfortable.

Has the date been “easy” with her, meaning easy to talk to, you are open and responsive, and engaging? Or has the date been difficult – difficult to get engaging conversations going, difficult for you to warm up to him, etc.

Most girls do not realize this, and they mistakenly believe that the guy will take the time to get to know her, and give her a few dates, and see if she has the potential and qualities to be long-term girlfriend material. But this isn’t true.

dating coach deanna lorraineIf they aren’t FEELING good in your presence – aka, you’re not generating positive emotions in him, then he isn’t going to stick around to see if you have other “positive qualities” or a “great heart” or not.

Even though you logically may have good qualities, men don’t decide to commit to a girl or pursue her based on “logical” reasons. They are just pulled to keep seeing her based on their feelings. Or, not, if neutral or negative feelings were created.

A lot of women are BORING on their dates. They either don’t talk much, expecting to just show up and have the man “entertain” them and impress them, or the stuff they talk about is boring to guys and they’re not engaging to they guy in their body language and energy.

So, a guy leaves the date thinking, “Eh, she was nice. But she just had no “spark” about her. No “WOW factor.” Or, “I’m just not feeling it.” This is what guys say all the time.

She may very well be a physically attractive woman, or even have really great qualities on paper and be super intelligent with a great career or very kind, but if a man isn’t feeling it then he’s just not going to feel any desire to call and see you again.

Remember that now, even more so than before, there is so much competition now, unfortunately for us women. Because of new advances like Tinder and online dating sites, guys have so many options now, and you can bet that any guy you are talking to, is probably also talking to two or three other girls at the moment too.

So a girl who he didn’t feel 1) sexually attracted to and 2) an emotional spark or positive, excited feelings with, is not even going to be on his radar.

Aka, you’re not going to be on his thoughts during the day. And why should he make the effort to set up another day with you, and spend his money, if he isn’t feeling it? He’s not – he’s going to try another option.

And you know if you are in this space with a guy if he isn’t texting you or calling you. Or, if he isn’t setting up a next date within a week or two the latest.

A Good Rule of Thumb

If a guy is feeling it with a girl and attracted to her, he will be contacting her within 3 days of the date, max! And he will want to see her again as soon as possible. If a guy waits more than a week to see you again, and this is a common theme and his reason for waiting doesn’t have to do with traveling or emergencies, then he’s either just not that into you – or he’s got another woman and you’re the side-girl.

Sorry, but you’ve gotta hear the truth!

PSS: A few other Things Guys do:

  • If guys are feeling bored on the date with you, or not feeling good enough about you to see potential with you, he may then try to just get you drunk and sleep with you that night. Because in a guy’s mind, he figures “Well if I’m not going to see her again anyways, I might as well at least get laid for the night.”
  • So if a guy seems like he’s trying really hard to move quickly and take you back to his place or your place that night, this is what’s going on most likely. It does NOT mean he likes you though – For guys, they don’t have to “like” a girl in order to sleep with them. AND, he probably isn’t planning on calling you afterward either. So don’t fall for it!

**Want to discover the real reasons WHY men have not been committing to YOU, and what you can do about it to change your results with men? Do you want to know if men see you as “High Value,” marriage-material, or as a “Low-Value,” replaceable girl that they want to just string along? Find out now and learn what to do to break your pattern and start attracting amazing men who adore you and can’t wait to commit to you, by going through my proven 3-Step Dating Diagnostic & Love Makeover process today! Click below for full details & to begin.

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The 411 on the Worldwide Epidemic of “Commitment-Phobes!”

pulling-hair-outDoes anyone want to commit these days?!

Have you felt like this woman in the picture before, after another prospect that you were excited about suddenly went MIA or fizzled out? I don’t know about you, but I’ve been finding in the last few years that the men (and women) these days have just been becoming more and more non-committal.

I thought at first that it was just an issue that was specific to San Diego (where I’m from), being that it is a huge tourist spot and melting pot of men and women who move there and find themselves on a constant “vacation mentality” mode of partying and casual hooking up.

But after working with more and more clients from different parts of the United States, the UK, Europe, Dubai and the U.A.E., and through much of my own traveling and dating experiences with men, I’ve realized that this is really a world-wide epidemic! I call it the “Commitment-phobic epidemic.” And it seems to be spreading exponentially among single men and women, everywhere.

And there’s another, related epidemic I’ve become aware of, which I call “The Grass is Greener Syndrome;” something I feel is largely the culprit for the Commitment Phobic epidemic. Basically, the fact that our society has become overwhelmed with “options” of people to date and be in relationships with.

Because of new technologies and the Internet, Online dating sites, Matchmaking and dating agencies, Facebook, etc., we have sooo may options now of potential partners, and the prospect of having just casual sex or hookups is right at our fingertips, and new options are constantly refreshing themselves as quickly as we can refresh our Internet browser.

It’s not longer good enough to just happen to meet a wonderful, kind person, who has great qualities, would make a suitable wife or husband, and who we are attracted to. Like how our parents and grand-parents did it back in the day. Now we meet a person like that and people think, “Wow they’re great! BUT… I wonder if I can find better out there… Hmmm, Let me go look and see what else is out there!”

It’s so messed up how we’ve become. And women, sadly, are really just as guilty of it as men are.

I’ve never in my life encountered so many little “relationships” that are short-lived, last a few weeks or a month or two, everything seems to be going great, and then it just fizzles out because someone loses interest or doesn’t end up wanting to commit to a “serious relationship.”

It is very frustrating to keep going through that over and over. And it can make even the most optimistic and hopeless romantic person start losing faith in true love. Even professional “dating experts” and Matchmakers are not safe from this epidemic. Myself included.

Peoples, it’s time to step up and commit! Do you really want to be a Playboy Bachelor or Bachelorette your whole life, dating hundreds of people or having countless hookups and nothing to show for it by the time you’re 80? No one person to actually share your life with, to experience real intimacy and depth with, and to create amazing memories and experiences with?

sex-and-the-city-post-it-noteDoesn’t dating and hooking up, hanging out at the bars or online dating sites all day trolling for women or men get boring after a while? It sure does for me.

Yes it is a risk to commit to someone, but you’re never going to know if that person is going to work out 100% because you have no crystal ball. But if you want the reward of true, lasting love and intimacy with a special person, isn’t it worth the “risk?”

If you keep trying to search for 100% perfection in a partner, all you’re going to get is 100% disappointment and loneliness. Because there is no perfect person. And you are not perfect either!

To illustrate this further, I have some incredible, high-quality, commitment-ready men who’ve hired me as their Matchmaker to help them find their future wife, and many of these men are over 40 years old with realistic criteria for their prospects, especially in terms of the woman’s age and looks. But sometimes it’s like pulling teeth to try to get a woman to just go out on a simple date with one of these great guys! And some of these woman are in their mid-40s, some of them never even married, and they are questioning me to death about “Is he good looking? Is he in good shape? Does he have a belly? (God forbid a man over 45 does not have a perfect 6-pack!)” And I’m thinking, REALLY?? You’re over 40, still single and never been married, and you’re going to be that picky over a man’s looks or other petty qualities and have me put so much effort trying to convince you just to go on a simple introduction??” It’s sheer madness!

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news to you ladies but when you’re past your late 30s and still unmarried, you’re no spring chicken anymore and you’re options are much slimmer than they are when you were in your prime 20s. You should be ecstatic that a quality man might be interested in you and you should happily give these men a chance!

And then many of these women will often have me practically chase them down to try to get them to fit the date into their crazy busy schedule, sometimes putting it off for weeks because they are “too busy with work” or what not. REALLY?? You’re so busy with work and life that you can’t even fit a damn 1-hour coffee date a man who could potentially be your Soulmate into your schedule?? If thats the case then no wonder why you’re still single! If you want to be married, you’ve got to make some room in your schedule for dating and a relationship or you’re future will be the 60-year-old spinster cat-lady.

You SAY you want to be married, you say you want to find love, but your actions are totally out of alignment with someone who’s truly committed to finding their Soulmate. These woman are unknowingly pushing love away and single-handedly sabotaging themselves.

You really do have to commit to the process of finding love and make it a priority if you want to be in your dream relationship. And you really have to commit to someone in order to experience their true selves anyway, and all their sides and colors. Their goods and their bads, and all their layers. And you won’t get that before you commit to them because they’re going to be on their best behavior and not fully be themselves.

Having one foot in and one foot out is only going to get you mediocre knowledge about a person and about your potential for a relationship.

I’m tired of short-lived relationships that fizzle out. Are you??

Cheers,
DeAnna 🙂

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