What you Can Learn from The Bachelor about How Women Sabotage their new Relationships!

deanna lorraine

So I’m watching my guilty pleasure the other night, The Bachelor (yeah, yeah, I only watch a few “Reality” shows like this for education and analyzing purposes only!).

And I’m watching as this season’s studly Bachelor, Ben Higgins, navigates his way through trying to get to know the plethora of single ladies vying for his heart, one painful conversation at a time.

I love seeing how all these poor women go about trying to impress him and compete for his attention – it’s like a trainwreck I can’t help but watch.

But the show, as silly and dramatic as it can be sometimes, does help to illuminate some very real patterns, issues and challenges that pop up for people when they are dating and entering relationships.

The fact that the show is so fast-paced and intense magnifies the sub-conscious issues that lie beneath the surface of so many single people that keep them sabotaging their relationships.

2FCD1C7100000578-0-image-m-72_1451975150295In this post, I want to highlight the Bachelorette,by the name of “Jubilee,” who was just eliminated in this week’s episode.

On the outside, she is gorgeous, highly intelligent, strong, outgoing and well put-together, with a good sense of humor and wit.

She is probably one of the most dynamic and intriguing of all the women there if you look at her total package, and Ben actually confirmed this – saying numerous times both to her face and to the cameras privately that he finds her to be “very intriguing” and he is very attracted to her.

She represents quite a lot of women who are interesting, smart, and seem to be a great catch on the surface.

She could have gone really far with Ben, and perhaps even made it to the alter with him.

So, what went wrong then?

Well after observing her for a few weeks, and paying attention to her comments and actions both with Ben and privately, it became very apparent to me that she has severe Limiting beliefs about herself.

 …The main one that “I am too deep and too complicated for a man, and thus I am unlovable.”

She mentions on numerous occasions that she is “deeper” and “more complicated” and has “more layers” than the average woman.

the bachelor JubileeAnd I can see that she probably does.

But, had she not had this deeply-engrained limiting belief lurking in her subconscious, she could have shown up as an interesting and deep, intriguing woman that Ben would be drawn to and could fall in love with BECAUSE of her depth.

The reason that I know that this is a huge limiting belief for her and she has not healed or shifted it yet is because, like all limiting beliefs, it cannot be kept a secret.

The belief starts inwardly, but it always will manifest itself in a number of ways physically that people can see, through your outward behaviors and mannerisms, and how you interact with other people.

Here are some ways Jubilee’s liming belief about her being unlovable showed up, that I witnessed:

  • She would isolate herself from the other women a lot, assuming that she probably wouldn’t be able to connect much with the other women and that they “wouldn’t get” her. This then resulted in some of the women disliking her and seeing her as rude and standoffish.
  • She would put on a tough, cool front with Ben and act like she wasn’t interested in him or wasn’t impressed by him. (One example is when he picked her up for a 1-on-1 date, and a helicopter drops down for her, and instead of a normal reaction of excitement, she said nonchalantly, “Does anyone else want to go on my date instead?”
  • She would give him very little emotionally and not be expressive of her feelings and interest to him.
  • She would act aloof when around him and especially on group dates, as if trying to make him chase her.
  • She kept telling him how “complicated” she is, and how she feels like she “scares off” most guys because she is too deep and complicated.

shutterstock_122158012_broken-heart-300x216All of those behaviors are common to people who have a deep, limiting belief that they are not lovable for some reason (her reason being that she feels like she is “too complicated” and deep for a man), because they are ways of keeping yourself guarded and protecting of your heart.

By acting guarded, cool, unaffected, and uninterested, you are in essence trying to keep yourself from potentially getting hurt or rejected – because how can someone reject you or act uninterested in you, if you are already acting uninterested in them, right??

Another thing you are subconsciously trying to go is get them to jump through hoops for you, and “prove” to you through lots of effort and grand gestures that they DO love you and that you are not unlovable.

On a subconscious level, you feel that if they really like you then they will work hard to crack your tough exterior and finally get the opportunity to see the authentic, softer emotions inside of you that you’ve been hiding.

But the problem is, they will usually not stick around for that long.

30CBBF8300000578-3427570-image-m-91_1454390945078When someone, especially a man, keeps running into resistance in trying to connect with a woman and getting a tough, apathetic exterior, then he will usually be turned off and stop his pursuit.

You aren’t giving any love, so why should he/she?

And then alas, you find yourself back to the same position and conclusion – you’re alone again, and you are “proven right” – that you are not lovable.

But little do you realize that you were the one who created that entire dynamic and result, over and over again.

That’s exactly what happened this week when Jubilee was playing her little aloof games again at the group date, and

Ben pulled her aside and said “I don’t feel like I’m connecting with you, and I can’t envision a possible future with you anymore at this point.” And he sent her home packing even before the rose ceremony.

If you watch her in action in these last few episodes again, you can see the limiting belief and self-fulfilling prophecy she created vividly.

And that is the power of our limiting beliefs. They can either help us have incredible success in an area, or sabotage us, over and over again.

In our major areas of our lives – our careers, wealth, health, and especially, in our relationships with ourselves and others, we MUST get to the source of any ineffectiveness we’ve been experiencing if there’s been a pattern of failure, and it’s imperative that we distinguish the limiting beliefs that are lurking under the surface, and heal and shift them into new, positive beliefs about ourselves.

For as long as you have a limiting belief that you are “unlovable,” you will continue to create that same cycle of people not loving you.

We must shift that belief so that you see yourself as fully lovable, capable of experiencing incredible love, and you fully accept and love all your qualities and unique quirks! 🙂

We want to hear your comments! Share your thoughts & comments on this post below in the comments section – In particular:

  • Can you see yourself at all in this girl, Jubilee?
  • Do you have any limiting beliefs about yourself that may be causing you to act weird, too guarded, or otherwise sabotage your efforts in finding and maintaining a lasting healthy relationship?


You may also like
womens dating coach
10 New Year’s Dating Resolutions YOU should make for 2013!
Are you Scaring Good Men away by making this Dating Mistake?

Leave Your Comment