Does anyone want to commit these days?!
Have you felt like this woman in the picture before, after another prospect that you were excited about suddenly went MIA or fizzled out? I don’t know about you, but I’ve been finding in the last few years that the men (and women) these days have just been becoming more and more non-committal.
I thought at first that it was just an issue that was specific to San Diego (where I’m from), being that it is a huge tourist spot and melting pot of men and women who move there and find themselves on a constant “vacation mentality” mode of partying and casual hooking up.
But after working with more and more clients from different parts of the United States, the UK, Europe, Dubai and the U.A.E., and through much of my own traveling and dating experiences with men, I’ve realized that this is really a world-wide epidemic! I call it the “Commitment-phobic epidemic.” And it seems to be spreading exponentially among single men and women, everywhere.
And there’s another, related epidemic I’ve become aware of, which I call “The Grass is Greener Syndrome;” something I feel is largely the culprit for the Commitment Phobic epidemic. Basically, the fact that our society has become overwhelmed with “options” of people to date and be in relationships with.
Contrasting the current dating scene with the practices of previous generations
In today’s fast-paced and technologically driven world, the current dating scene stands in stark contrast to the practices of previous generations. One prominent aspect that sets them apart is the prevalence of commitment issues among individuals seeking romantic relationships. Commitment, in the context of relationships, refers to the willingness and dedication to invest emotionally, mentally, and sometimes legally, in a long-term partnership with another person. However, in the present era, the fear of commitment seems to loom over the dating landscape, impacting how people approach relationships and their ability to form deep connections.
For some, commitment issues may manifest as a vague uncertainty or anxiety about entering into a committed relationship, while for others, it can lead to a complete aversion to any form of long-term commitment, earning them the label of “commitment-phobes.” This commitment phobia often stems from various underlying factors, such as past negative experiences, fear of vulnerability, or a desire to maintain personal freedom and avoid potential heartbreak.
In contrast to previous generations, where commitment in a relationship was considered a significant milestone and a natural progression towards marriage, the concept of commitment nowadays appears to be more fluid and variable. People might engage in casual relationships or serial dating without intending to pursue anything more serious, leading to a lack of commitment and emotional investment in their interactions with others.
In the past, the decision to commit to a partner was often influenced by traditional societal norms and the guidance of family and community, making it a more deliberate and well-thought-out process. Compatibility, shared values, and character played pivotal roles in partner selection, ensuring that commitment was based on a solid foundation.
However, the advent of technology, particularly the rise of online dating platforms, has dramatically altered the dynamics of modern relationships. The vast array of potential partners available at one’s fingertips has given rise to what some call the “paradox of choice.” This phenomenon can exacerbate commitment issues, as the fear of missing out on a potentially better match lingers in the back of individuals’ minds, leading them to constantly seek new options and hesitating to commit to one person.
As a result, commitment issues have become more prevalent, and some individuals find themselves paralyzed by commitment anxiety or even the fear of marriage itself. This apprehension can hinder the development of meaningful and lasting relationships, leaving many feeling disconnected and unsatisfied in their romantic pursuits.
The current dating scene reflects a notable shift from the practices of previous generations, primarily characterized by the rise of commitment issues and the fear of long-term dedication. The concept of commitment in relationships has become more elusive and challenging to attain, with various factors such as technology, societal changes, and an overwhelming array of choices contributing to this shift.
The current dating scene: Commitment issues and non-committal behavior
Because of new technologies and the Internet, Online dating sites, Matchmaking and dating agencies, Facebook, etc., we have sooo may options now of potential partners, and the prospect of having just casual sex or hookups is right at our fingertips, and new options are constantly refreshing themselves as quickly as we can refresh our Internet browser.
It’s not longer good enough to just happen to meet a wonderful, kind person, who has great qualities, would make a suitable wife or husband, and who we are attracted to. Like how our parents and grand-parents did it back in the day. Now we meet a person like that and people think, “Wow they’re great! BUT… I wonder if I can find better out there… Hmmm, Let me go look and see what else is out there!”
It’s so messed up how we’ve become. And women, sadly, are really just as guilty of it as men are.
Personal Experience and Observations
I’ve never in my life encountered so many little “relationships” that are short-lived, last a few weeks or a month or two, everything seems to be going great, and then it just fizzles out because someone loses interest or doesn’t end up wanting to commit to a “serious relationship.”
It is very frustrating to keep going through that over and over. And it can make even the most optimistic and hopeless romantic person start losing faith in true love. Even professional “dating experts” and Matchmakers are not safe from this epidemic. Myself included.
Peoples, it’s time to step up and commit! Do you really want to be a Playboy Bachelor or Bachelorette your whole life, dating hundreds of people or having countless hookups and nothing to show for it by the time you’re 80? No one person to actually share your life with, to experience real intimacy and depth with, and to create amazing memories and experiences with?
Doesn’t dating and hooking up, hanging out at the bars or online dating sites all day trolling for women or men get boring after a while? It sure does for me.
The fear of missing out on better prospects
Yes it is a risk to commit to someone, but you’re never going to know if that person is going to work out 100% because you have no crystal ball. But if you want the reward of true, lasting love and intimacy with a special person, isn’t it worth the “risk?”
If you keep trying to search for 100% perfection in a partner, all you’re going to get is 100% disappointment and loneliness. Because there is no perfect person. And you are not perfect either!
Initial belief that the issue was specific to San Diego
To illustrate this further, I have some incredible, high-quality, commitment-ready men who’ve hired me as their Matchmaker to help them find their future wife, and many of these men are over 40 years old with realistic criteria for their prospects, especially in terms of the woman’s age and looks. But sometimes it’s like pulling teeth to try to get a woman to just go out on a simple date with one of these great guys! And some of these woman are in their mid-40s, some of them never even married, and they are questioning me to death about “Is he good looking? Is he in good shape? Does he have a belly? (God forbid a man over 45 does not have a perfect 6-pack!)” And I’m thinking, REALLY?? You’re over 40, still single and never been married, and you’re going to be that picky over a man’s looks or other petty qualities and have me put so much effort trying to convince you just to go on a simple introduction??” It’s sheer madness!
The frustration and disillusionment of short-lived relationships
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news to you ladies but when you’re past your late 30s and still unmarried, you’re no spring chicken anymore and you’re options are much slimmer than they are when you were in your prime 20s. You should be ecstatic that a quality man might be interested in you and you should happily give these men a chance!
And then many of these women will often have me practically chase them down to try to get them to fit the date into their crazy busy schedule, sometimes putting it off for weeks because they are “too busy with work” or what not. REALLY?? You’re so busy with work and life that you can’t even fit a damn 1-hour coffee date a man who could potentially be your Soulmate into your schedule?? If thats the case then no wonder why you’re still single! If you want to be married, you’ve got to make some room in your schedule for dating and a relationship or you’re future will be the 60-year-old spinster cat-lady.
You SAY you want to be married, you say you want to find love, but your actions are totally out of alignment with someone who’s truly committed to finding their Soulmate. These woman are unknowingly pushing love away and single-handedly sabotaging themselves.
You really do have to commit to the process of finding love and make it a priority if you want to be in your dream relationship. And you really have to commit to someone in order to experience their true selves anyway, and all their sides and colors. Their goods and their bads, and all their layers. And you won’t get that before you commit to them because they’re going to be on their best behavior and not fully be themselves.
And one last thing
Having one foot in and one foot out is only going to get you mediocre knowledge about a person and about your potential for a relationship.
In the context of romantic relationships, commitment entails the willingness to invest emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even financially, with the intention of building a lasting and meaningful connection with a partner. However, commitment issues have become a prevalent concern in modern dating and relationship dynamics. For some individuals, the mere thought of committing to a long-term partnership can trigger fear, commonly known as “fear of commitment” or “commitment phobia.” This fear stems from various factors, such as past traumatic experiences, fear of vulnerability, or a desire to maintain independence and avoid potential emotional pain. It’s essential to recognize that commitment issues do not necessarily reflect a lack of love or care for the partner, but rather an internal struggle that inhibits the individual from fully embracing a committed relationship. Addressing commitment issues requires open communication, self-reflection, and sometimes professional support, such as therapy or counseling. For those who grapple with anxiety about commitment or feel apprehensive about the prospect of marriage, it’s crucial to examine the underlying fears and concerns that may be hindering their ability to form and sustain a committed bond. Ultimately, understanding the intricacies of commitment and being honest with oneself about personal fears and desires can pave the way towards healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
I’m tired of short-lived relationships that fizzle out. Are you?
Cheers,
DeAnna 🙂 datingcoachdeanna.com
