In other words… Do you tend to be the one who initiates the dates with guys that you meet? Or you try to plan the dates, move them along, plan out the details for the dates like what restauraunt you’ll go to, what you’ll do and when you’ll be meeting up next?
Do you take matters into you own hands when you haven’t heard from him in-between dates, and give him a call or text so you can see what’s up for the weekend and make plans for your next date, rather than waiting around for him to call? Do you take it upon yourself to let him know what your feeling about him and try to move the relationship along efficiently or prompt him to progress things more seriously with you?
If any or all of this sounds like you, my fierce power women friends, you are guilty of being “The Manager” in your relationships with men! And although I’m sure you mean well and your intentions are good, this behavior just doesn’t work with guys (for most guys at least) and usually ends up running them off and leaving you baffled as to what you did wrong. This just happened with a female client of mine yesterday so I wanted to write a post about it because it’s so common with successful, smart women.
Women who are in managerial or powerful positions in their careers, such as Attorneys, Business owners or high-level Executives or managers, are usually the women who are most prone to acting this way in their dating lives – so it should come as no surprise that this is the demographic of women that I work with the most and that often have a lot of challenges with attracting men. They often try to “manage” the guys that they’re interested in as if they were a project with deadlines and goals!
It’s understandable – You’re driven, organized and assertive and you know how to get things done! You’re a pro at making things happen and getting results. You run your life and careers in this efficient and organized way and you are great at achieving your goals and being successful because of it! I know because I am one of those women. So you think you can go about dating the same managerial kind of way.
Your goal is a committed relationship with a man, and you want to orchestrate it so that you can get to that goal as quickly and efficiently as possible. You’re not a girl who waits around for things to happen, you take action on what you want and you make things happen, whether that’s picking up the phone to call your guy for a 2nd and 3rd date, prompting him for “status updates” on how he feels about your and where you guys stand, or putting together the plans or asking him when you’re going to meet his parents. Basically acting as if a committed relationship with him were a sales goal that you’re eagerly trying to close!
But what you have to understand is that a relationship with a man has to cultivate organically, naturally, and largely at the pace of the man, in order for it to be lasting and successful. Guys move at their own pace and often it’s a little slower than the women’s. But they want to be the ones who are leading the progression of the relationship; They want to feel like they are the ones “hunting” you in a way, and that it’s their idea and desire to be in a relationship with you.
If you as a woman is the one who tries to initiate everything and push him along the relationship, he is going to likely feel pressured and forced, and resent you for it. By you trying to steer the relationship and & progress things along before he does, he’s not only going to feel like you’re too desperate and eager which will lower your perceived value, but he will feel like your feelings are stronger and deeper for him than his are for you and it will cause him to pull away and take a step back, so he can evaluate his feelings for you.
This will usually result in a lopsided relationship if anything, where it will be a constant cycle of you pressuring him to get more serious and committed, trying to convince him to feel more strongly about you, and him pulling away and getting distant from you.
Whereas if you let the guy come to his own conclusions about his feelings for you, and on his own time, and you let him have the chance to progress things along with you before you try to beat him to it, you will get a man who appreciates you a lot more and is much more committed because he’ll feel like his feelings and ideas about committing to you were HIS own, not yours being pushed onto him. When a man feels pushed or pressured into a relationship he will usually just shut down and pull away… And re-evaluate things.
So as hard as it may be for an assertive go-getting kind of woman like you to let go of the reigns, you’ve GOT to resist the urge to micro-manage the relationship in your efforts to progress it along and let the man take more of the lead here, at his pace & initiation.
Of course you should be letting him know you’re interested and into him and be enthusiastic on your dates and communication with him, because if he’s into you that will be the fuel that causes him to move things along with you and pursue a relationship on his own. But leave your Type-A Manager hat at the office, be a little patient, focus on attracting him rather than “selling” him or steering him and you will end up with a much more committed and interested man who wholeheartedly wants to be with you!
Good luck and let me know how it goes! xo, DeAnna
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DeAnna Lorraine is a San Diego Dating Coach and Dating expert